Bizzaro book pitch #1 – Charlie Sheen
Sometimes Zizek Press feels books just aren’t weird enough. We think, ‘what if someone came along and just wrote something without any kind of limit, something even further along than ‘really out there.’
Well, sometimes has become thursdays. Every thursday to be exact. That’s when we’ll be doing our Bizzaro book pitch, and this week we’re gonna start with…
Genre: Modern western
Setting: California mansion/Mid west
Characters: Charlie Sheen [anti-hero], Martin Sheen [worried father], star cameos [people in saloon].
Plot synopsis: It starts in California, in an LA mansion, where Charlie Sheen falls even further, and finally hits rock bottom. But from where he’s looking it doesn’t look much like rock bottom, it looks like ‘winning’, so he carries on with the crazy shit he was doing.
Then…tragedy strikes. One of his bimbos puts his laptop in the microwave and his whole mansion goes up in smoke. Sheen manages to survive [not sure how, he was sitting in the living room at the time of the explosion] and realises that LA hates him. He goes to the Hollywood sign and asks it what he should do, and the sign says nothing. But Sheen can interpret things, and he sees a bit of dirt on the corner of the ‘H’ and to him it looks like a sentence. ‘Go West and build,’ it says.
Next…Sheen packs an overnight bag and goes to the Mid-West. He stops somewhere in Texas and looks around and says to himself, ‘man, this could be the old west.’ After seeing more lumps of dirt telling him to ‘build, damnit, build,’ he tries to get people in the area to help him build frontier-era towns and enough of them accept for him to build one. Happy with what he’s done, he decides to rest in the hotel.
Shock…he wakes up sweating, sees his jacket on the chair in the corner of the room and believes it to be Terence Stamp from ‘Young Guns’. He talks to Stamp/the jacket and tells it/him that he can’t do that, it’s bad, but Stamp/the jacket is resolute and Sheen finally gives in, wiping sweat off his chest and saying, ‘okay, I think I can do it’.
Do what?…The next day Sheen sticks up a poster in his fake frontier town, telling people he’s gonna call on them at random and challenge them to a duel. Most people think he’s joking, but later that day Sheen walks up to the guy sweeping the muck off the street [which is pretty much completely made of muck] and says, ‘Fifty yards that way, go.’ The man doesn’t move, so Sheen gives him a toy gun and tells him again. ‘Move, muck-man!’. The man looks at the toy gun, shakes his head and walks fifty yards down the street. Sheen takes his position in the middle of the street and on his own count of three, pulls his gun and fires. And misses. He shoots again, and misses again. ‘Jesus…’ he mutters, ‘This thing’s a load of crap.’ Then he walks forward, thirty, forty yards and shoots again. Success! The muck-man falls down with a hole in his cheek.
Next…for the next few weeks Sheen calls a media blackout and continues to duel people on the street of his fake frontier town. Them with toy guns, him with his real gun. One guy, a moral man, refuses the toy gun and asks for something real. Sheen gives him a pencil then shoots him in the face. The whole town is terrified. Who can stop this madness?
Finally…Martin Sheen hears about what his son is up to and turns up for an intervention, but Charlie Sheen confuses him by acting perfectly nice and offering to buy him a drink in the saloon. Martin Sheen looks around the fake town but can’t see a saloon, and he tells Charlie this. ‘Yeah, I forgot about that,’ says Sheen Jr. As an alternative, Charlie takes him to the 7-11 and buys him a can of Special Brew and then another and another and another until he gets his old man drunk. When Martin can no longer stand or form a fist, Charlie says ‘Sorry, pops’, and knocks him out. He thinks about killing him, but then remembers the town is missing something so he takes Martin out into the muck of the street [which is even worse since Sheen shot the guy cleaning it] and tries to build a saloon on top of him while he’s unconscious.
Epilogue…the saloon is built, Martin Sheen is beneath it, and everything in the town returns to normal. Sheen stops duelling for a while and instead drinks at the saloon bar with a different guest star each day. One of them, Hank Azaria, tells him it’s a nice place and what he really should do is make a sitcom about it all. Sheen doesn’t like this idea much and tells him he’s above sitcoms, and challenges Azaria to a duel. They go outside and Azaria tells Sheen he doesn’t have a gun, so Sheen hands him the toy gun and Azaria throws it on the ground. ‘What is this shit, Charlie?’ ‘It’s war, Hank,’ replies Sheen, and gives him the pencil. Luckily, Azaria has used a pencil before and instead of walking ten yards back he takes the pencil and sticks it in Charlie’s head. Sheen falls to the ground muttering ‘The hobbit, the hobbit.’