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NEWS: Takashi Miike brings ‘total massacre’ to 13 ASSASSINS and puts HOSTEL life behind him

March 26, 2011


The reviews are coming in for Takashi Miike [Audition, Battle Royale, Tokyo Story, Beverly Hills Ninjas] and his new samurai film 13 Assassins. And the general view seems to be: Nasty people cutting up even nastier people in nasty ways.

Here’s the plot:

‘Nasty ruler of some part of Japan spends his days walking around his castle, relaxing all cool and cutting up nearby peasants for fun. One peasant woman has her arms, legs and tongue cut off, but still manages to paint a challenge to the nasty guy. She actually picks up a paintbrush with her teeth and paints ‘total massacre’ on a piece of paper [supplied by the nasty guy who’s kinda curious what she’s up to]. When he sees the message, he thinks she’s endorsing his campaign of terror and lets her live. In another part of Japan, but not too far away otherwise they’d spend the whole film walking to the bad guy, some annoyed samurai get together and decide to ‘total massacre’ the nasty guy. They go to his castle and fight two hundred of his men and then wait outside his room for a couple of hours to confront him. But the nasty guy is clever. He climbs out the window and waits until they’ve gone. Only they don’t leave. They stay and wait and smoke and talk about stuff and then Bill Murray comes up from the kitchen and gives them some coffee and starts drinking something else, something he thinks is-…’

All in all, it sounds pretty brutal. And apparently it’s a masterpiece. The final set piece where the annoyed samurai fight two hundred bad guys in the castle is supposed to be one of the best filmed battle scenes since ‘Willow’. And that’s a high bar to jump.

So go and see it if you can, even though it probably won’t be showing at any cinema near anyone outside of Japan, and let the industry know that Miike’s still got it. Because he has been quiet recently, and doing cameos for the likes of Eli Roth is really not something he should be cornered into ever again.

In other Japanese film news, the beautiful Shibasaki Kou [Psycho schoolgirl from Battle Royale], who once hid in the toilets of a Shibuya Denny’s to escape the claws of Tarantino and his stupid fucking scripts, has been cast as Keanu Reeves’ fuck doll in upcoming americanisation 48 Ronin…or 47 Ronin, we can’t remember. We’re not sure why she wants to play this role…she’s so pretty she could do anything and people would buy it…but fingers crossed she survives it.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Triskellion permalink
    March 26, 2011 3:54 pm

    I’ve been hearing the same kind of noise. Apparently there’s an opening scene where a samurai commits harikiri without using a ‘second’…that’s the guy who usually cuts off the head to ease the victim’s pain…and it sounds awesome.

    Love Miike and can. not. wait. to see this.

  2. March 29, 2011 8:45 pm

    Well, we’ve heard it’s getting a tiny release in the states- a few cinemas here and there, probably Austin/New York/San Fran. Not sure about the rest of the world. But we can confirm there is the harikiri scene without a second, something not seen since mad Japanese writer Yukio Mishima. Though with his one, the second was just inept – he didn’t cut the head off properly, which is basically the one and only skill a second’s expected to have. Clown.

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