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NEWS: Many oscared director found for Gaiman’s AMERICAN GODS [And we hope to Gods it’s not Ron Howard]

March 28, 2011


Now this is news.

Here at zizekpress we love Neil Gaiman very much, and when he called to tell us about a video interview he’d done where he tells us that his greatest book American Gods has a director, we were…over the moon? There has to be a better phrase, but can’t think of one right now.

Here’s what he said:

‘Finally, Hollywood have got their fucking act together and are gonna fucking make my fucking film, with a fucking great director who has won many, many fucking oscars, and who always makes really fucking interesting movies, and not only that, he goes out onto the worst fucking streets in the US and gives fucking handouts to the fucking homeless…and that’s only when he’s not overseas saving fucking Africa and Libya and all that fucked up shit.’

But who is this many oscared director, Neil?

‘I’m not giving any fucking name. Go ask the fucking studio.’

Not even a hint?

‘Get out of my fucking house before I set the fucking leopards on you.’

So that’s all we have. Some great ‘fucking’ director who has won many, many ‘fucking’ oscars. Who could it be? Let’s have a look at the contenders.

Ron Howard – No. Too bland. Would insist on Russell Crowe. Hides behind his chair whenever there’s an action scene.

Ridley Scott – Too busy on the new Alien film. Unless they offer more money for AG?

William Friedkin – An outside bet, but you never know? Form is temporary, class is permanent, so they say. But his form has been shit for the last twenty years. Does he still have those magic camera fingers?

Tom Hooper – Fluked one oscar, not many. Has never been to Africa, let alone ‘fucking saved’ it.

Martin Scorcese – Only one oscar to his name, andeven that was a mercy win.

Warren Beatty – He’s clinging onto the ankles of his wife Annette Benning’s success now. Glory days long gone. And he’s recently won back the rights to Dick Tracey, so another distraction. Please don’t play Tracey again, Warren. You’re 74.

Clint Eastwood – A strong contender, but surely American Gods moves faster than Eastwood likes? He’d have to find a way to slow the script down to ‘stately/graceful’ before taking the helm. Also, it sounds terrible to say, but he’s in his 80s, he might die soon.

Uwe Boll – No oscars, but can just about hold a camera. Will beat the shit out of anyone who criticises the finished product. Maybe Gaiman was being caustic in his descritpion?

All in all, we have no idea. But fingers crossed it’s not Howard. Or McG. Or a lot of others we can’t remember the names of right now.

Oh God, not Ratner…

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Gaimanverse permalink
    March 28, 2011 1:04 pm

    If they go with a tool like Boll or a hack like Howard I’m gonna eat this film before it even gets prepped. No one fucks with American Gods.

    And just so you know…the deity known as Neil Gaiman never swears.

    • March 29, 2011 8:41 pm

      Steve Martin never swore for most of Planes, trains and Automobiles…

      But we agree with you on the Howard/Boll point. It must not be allowed to happen. Howard has no imagination, Boll has no brain.

  2. Mest permalink
    May 24, 2011 10:12 pm

    Neil Gaiman is underwriting Scientology. The Scientologist’s list Neil Gaiman in the Cornerstone Newsletter along with Mary Gaiman, as contributing $35,000.00 in 2009. Being listed in the Cornerstone Newsletter means you are in good-standing with the cult.

    In 2010, Mary Gaiman was awarded the “Gold Humanitarian Award” for her contribution of $500,000.00 to Scientology. This is significant because Mary Gaiman continues to be Neil Gaiman’s business partner in The Blank Corporation, which is now Neil Gaiman’s Scientology front and how he pays the cult.

    Gaiman is also the “Vitamin Heir” of Scientology. The Gaiman family owns G&G Vitamins which reaps 6 million a year from selling The Purification Rundown Vitamins.

    Gaiman’s two sisters, Claire Edwards and Lizzie Calciole are not just high-ranking Scientologists, they are the head of RECRUITING and the head of Wealden House, the Scientology stronghold in East Grinstead. These two cannot associate with Neil unless he is in good standing.

    • May 25, 2011 8:20 pm

      Thanks for the background information. It’s a little disappointing if Gaiman is still a Scientologist but we hope that soon, once rights issues are cleared up, he will be bringing to market his long-rumored “Sandmanology” religion.

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