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NEWS: Colin Farrell the new Arnie in TOTAL RECALL RE-MAKE!

April 2, 2011


This isn’t exactly fresh news, but here it is anyway.

Colin Farrell is to star in the re-make of the great Paul Verhoven’s Total Recall, and he will be directed by that guy who did the shit Die Hard film…the one where McClane shot the bad guy through his own shoulder…remember that?

That director also did those Underworld films…with Kate Beckinsale and the vampires and werewolves and Scott Speedman and Bill Nighy and Derek Jacobi on a ship that never left harbour…remember that?

Well, it looks like this is happening, and it’s a shame. The original Total Recall was…what…twenty years ago, and they’re re-making it already. And how exactly can the director of Underworld improve on it?

– Re-cast Michael Ironside as Richter, the bad guy? By re-cast we mean, hire him again for the same role. He was brilliant. He didn’t even have to work out for that role, he could just wear a leather jacket and still make it appear realistic that he might beat Arnie in a fight. Even though he didn’t. Actually, he was pretty useless. The only thing he did well was jumping through that window.

– Cast someone famous as the mutant woman with three tits? Anne Hathaway might go for a gig like this. And Ed Zwick can play ‘Tony’ the weird-faced little dude who doesn’t like Quaid.

– Use the original story, and not the film? Well, it was pretty short, and it might suit Farrell more to play someone a little more ordinary than a bodybuilder/construction worker. And even if his altar-ego is a spy, the modern spy is usually more lithe so it makes even more sense.

– Have at least eight layers of reality? In the film, I think they only had two. It’s either a dream or it isn’t. Or was it three? He went to ‘Recall’ and played out his secret fantasy. Or he was really a secret agent/rebel who got his memory wiped and put in a flat with Sharon Stone. Or he was the bad guy’s mate and pretended to be a rebel. I don’t know.

– Resolve the ending? Did Arnie wake up and it was all a dream? Did Mars really have an atmosphere? Did Richter recover from his fall and get new arms and later meet Quaid at the party? Arnie did say, ‘see you at the party, Richter,’ which implied that he did intend to go, and he expected Richter to be all healed up.

Can’t think of anything else. I think the basic point is: do not re-make this film. It is not too late to back out. Shit, they really are gonna make it.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. FrankDrebin permalink
    April 2, 2011 4:30 pm

    Dude, this news was fresh about seven years ago…but it’s still scary. Len Wiseman shouldn’t be allowed near cameras, or even laptops to write his shitty scripts on. The guy’s a virus.

  2. Kuato_lives permalink
    April 2, 2011 4:32 pm

    I’m already working on a petition, and when it’s done I’m gonna send it to Verhoven first. And maybe place a copy on the grave of the great Philip K Dick.

    This cannot be allowed to happen.

  3. FarrellFace permalink
    April 2, 2011 4:34 pm

    How about giving the film a chance before slaughtering it? Seriously, Colin is a great choice for a role like this…he’s got the body and the looks, and way more brains than Arnie ever had. Not sure about the director, but you can’t slam the casting so far.

  4. Redyr Anoniw permalink
    April 3, 2011 6:47 pm

    I saw a leaked script and it has an awesome twist at the end. ***SPOILER ALERT***

    At the end of the film, Colin Farrell lays dying. He closes his eyes, whispering “this can’t be real, this can’t be real.” His eyes close, it fades to white then fades in again and Colin Farrel has transformed…into Arnold Schwarzenegger!

    Now everybody can be happy.

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