We’re not sure if anyone else noticed, but Buffy isn’t on TV anymore.
Every September we waited…for eight years…then nothing.
Was there a strike?
Or a creative hiatus?
According to wiki, it was neither. It just finished, that’s all. But for the cast it wasn’t over. They had the rest of their lives to think of, and money to make…what could they do next?
Sarah Michelle Gellar [Buffy]
For a few minutes, it looked like she could be a movie star. Richard Kelly was doing his ‘Pulp Fiction’ and she was balls deep in the middle of it. And near enough the same time, she had the second dog movie coming out. No one thought that’d be great, but stacked next to the Kelly thing, it gave the impression of quantity at least.
But then Cannes sharked out of the water and Southland Tales was crowned a piece of shit. And the dog movie was actually okay…not the best thing out there, but you could get from beginning to end safely enough. But the other one, the Kelly thing…could she survive it?
No, she couldn’t. Last seen [professionally] lobbying hard for another dog movie, she’s since married the blonde guy from the same film, and had a kid with him. Or by him. Near him? I’m pretty sure they all live in the same house anyway. But there’s a problem. Her husband, Freddie Prinze Jr, has recently ceased to exist. Like Marty McFly in Back to the Future, only this time it’s not just a hand, it’s his whole body. What happened?
He just stopped working. There was a series of 24, but it was too late, no one was watching. And the ones who were, they didn’t know it was him. Even he had to double-take whenever it came on TV. But it’s still work, isn’t it?
Yes, but the thing with him is…he never really existed in the first place. Turns out he was a clone, and the real Freddie Prinze Jr was put to sleep after the second ‘I know what you did…’ movie. Which means Gellar, all these years, has been fucking a clone. Which also means she had a fake baby. Did she realise? How could she not, its skin was plastic. And that’s why she keeps it chained up in the pram.
Is there any future for her in Hollywood?
It’s not looking good, but another five or ten years and we’ll have a Buffy reboot, and she’ll probably play the mum. Or old Buffy. Or Harmony. Until then, it’s a fake baby and those empty spaces in the mansion Prinze Jr used to fill.
Nicholas Brendon [Xander]
With this one we can be brief.
Alyson Hannigan [Willow]
Got caught releasing a sex vid, and is so far the only cast member proven to have had sex in real life. Professionally, she voiced a talking milkshake in a Taiwanese anime. Does she turn up at conventions? Yup, she’s there every year, but her table is becoming more and more uninteresting as she refuses to speak to any of the fans. And she steals pens. Is there any way back up the movie tree? Barring a fucking miracle, very unlikely.
David Boreanaz [Angel]
This guy was smart [initially]. He jumped into his own franchise, which turned out to be pretty good. High points were the demon karaoke scenes, low points, the constant molesting of guest stars. Adam Baldwin [guest villain for a few episodes of the last series, and the ultimate journeyman actor] told Vareity: ‘My first day on set, he was rubbing up against me. I thought it was weird, but then I saw him doing it to the camera guy too. After that I just figured it was normal, like some special way he had of getting into character. It was only when he tried to fist me in the car park scene [Baldwin’s character is chasing Angel and gang, and forces them to sign a contract in the car park] that I realised, ‘hey, that’s not in the script, and hey again, why are you naked?’ That was a real eye-opener, that’s for sure.’ Boreanaz shrugged off the mounting claims by saying it was just improv [‘It’s a car park, we’re tired, it’s take seventeen or whatever…why not try something different, y’know?’].
After Angel finished, Boreanaz showed how smart he was by jumping onto a piece of shit show called Bones. He was one of the two major characters, and he seemed to be doing okay until…well, until an extra said he tried to fuck her in his car. The case got chucked out of court, but some of the details were interesting. Apparently, Boreanaz didn’t try to fuck her, he simply drove to a park outside LA and played with himself for three hours. She said things were okay at first, but pretty soon became uncomfortable. Boreanaz denied the claims, calling the extra ‘a fantastasist’ and ‘a really bad liar’, amongst other things [‘I can’t take a shit without the paps clicking at me…you really think they’d miss me tugging myself off in a public park?’].
After Bones, it’s unclear what Boreanaz will be capable of, but it probably won’t be movies. Shame, he’s quite a funny guy.
James Marsters [Spike]
The guy who probably got the most acting acclaim out of Buffy, he threw all that out the window when he turned up in Smallville as a brainy robot. Reputation as a decent TV actor has pretty much stuck, and it’s hard to see him cracking the movie-sphere, unless he gets lucky with an indie, or starts fucking someone famous[er]. Mel Gibson?
Can’t remember the actor’s name, but he had one good line in the first series before being thrown onto some kind of antler and coughing up flies[?]. Times must be tough for a guy no one knows the name of, but there’s always conventions.
Anthony Stewart Head [Giles]
Came from nowhere to win the part of Giles and, of all the cast, was the one desperately clinging onto its ankles. Since Buffy ended, he’s turned up in Hotel Babylon [a shitty UK show with ex-soap stars, set in a tacky hotel somewhere in a made-up version of London] as a suicidal jingle composer. He didn’t die in the episode so there’s always the danger he could go back, but really, what else is there for him?
Charisma Carpenter [Cordelia]
Memorable because of her name, she coasted through both Buffy and Angel, finally getting killed off in season five. It was kinda sad to see her go as it left Angel with no one to fuck [perhaps causing the later rubbing up against Adam Baldwin incident??], and also sad because it gave you the feeling it would be the last time she’d be seen on TV.
But Charisma surprised us all by turning up in The Expendables last year.
What was her part?
She was the female dummy who got beaten up by a prick, who in turn got beaten up by Jason Statham. A nothing part in a big film, actresses only do this shit to stay on the radar, but as long as the scriptwriters are all male, and the female parts are all wives and sluts then a nothing role in a big film will only lead to more nothing roles in other big films until someone younger comes along and starts the whole loop again. Pity Charisma, but don’t pity too much as she was never that good at acting anyway.
Anyone else? Can’t think of any major ones…time to look at the bit-parts:
Seth Green [Oz]
His time came and now, thank fuck, it’s gone. Family Guy continues to keep him on life-support, but lack of range/talent will surely pull him into the shit before much longer. And by shit, we mean conventions.
Marc Blucas [Riley]
They gave this guy a shot at the big time [The Katie Holmes film President’s Daughter [?]], but through no fault of his own it all turned to shit. Turned up in that Tom Cruise film last year, as a nothing character with one scene where he had to play it straight. It’s been rumoured he’s too tall to really make it in Hollywood, and some sources we made up have said he’s offered to shrink himself to stay in the business. Has also been snapped walking around with LA with a hunch, but it seems too little too late. Could use his height to play a Klingon in the next Star Trek spin off, but not much else. Poor guy.
This guy has the opposite problem; he’s too tiny. Has gone into meetings and stood there unseen. Official stats put him at 5′ 5″, which is the same as Dustin Hoffman, but actors always lie about their heights, and in this case it’s not looking high enough. Still, there’s always the conventions.
The bad guy from Season Four, he wasn’t actually that bad in the role. He did get on the nerves of the main cast though, a lot of them complaining he tried to hurt them for real in some of the fight scenes [‘In the scene, he was supposed to rip my head off. In reality, dude, he tried to rip my head off. One hand on my shoulders, the other gripping my hair real hard…if i hadn’t screamed, I swear to God I wouldn’t be here today, man.’ – vampire in ‘cave scene’]. Gellar admitted in a later interview that he had been a bit of a dick, but it was okay really as he wasn’t going anywhere acting-wise.
After the show, it’s not known what happened to him, because no one can remember his name, and everyone’s too lazy to look it up on imdb. Convention king maybe?
Dawn [Michelle Tractenberg]
Has grown into a woman with incredible breasts. Has no real talent, so the only thing to do is to wait until her career falls low enough for her to make erotic thrillers. Some have said she’s a prude, so even this might not happen…though other actors who have fucked her tell us she’s pretty much up for anything. Time will tell.
You may not remember this guy, but he was the big vamp that Buffy shot with a rocket launcher in season two. At the time he was everywhere, with his most famous role being the shapeshifter in the X-files. Sadly, the Judge has been missing for the last seven years, and was last seen walking into Pakistan in an attempt to Christianise all the bad people there. May have been a blur between role and reality here, but he could also have been trying to fake his own death and evade tax payments…who knows?
Riley’s friend [Graham]
We’re really getting into the cracks here. This guy had no lines, no expressions, no neck, and no discernible purpose. Last seen in cheap horror flick Blood Ocean trying to fuck a boat. The only hope for salvation is…yup, conventions…but the key question is: do enough people know who he is?
Ah…I forgot two big ones…
Joss Whedon [Creator of Buffy, Firefly and Angel]
He’s been shat on most of his professional career, but finally got a bit of luck last year when he was picked to direct The Avengers. The only blip is: will anyone listen to him? Robert Downey Jr has [reportedly] already told him to stay at least five kilometres away from the set…he is directing via TV link up, a kind of modern day Evil Edna [the villainous walking TV from Willow and the Wisp]…and, worse, Samuel L Jackson is using him as a couch. The only member of the cast who seems to have any respect for him is Nathan Fillion, and he’s not even in the movie. But still…director of the biggest film of next summer…pretty good, right?
Eliza Dushku [Faith]
Made a lasting impression on Buffy as a dangerous fuck, but hasn’t been able to climb up the movie vine with any great conviction. There were a couple of horror films, but they didn’t do much business, and most people are basically seeing her as a ‘Trachtenberg’ type…wait another couple of years and they’ll come out [hopefully with fucking at the same time, and no body- double]. In her heart of hearts she’d probably prefer not to be a wank-dummy for guys who can’t assert themselves with real people in real life, but this is the way of the movie biz. You’re female, you’re over thirty, you’re getting your tits out. The only other directions open to her would be to stick it out in TV land or embrace conventions. Your call, Faith.
Is that all of them?
Well, it’s most of them at least. I’m sure a lot of bit players were missed, and maybe that wish demon woman that Xander almost married, but they’re not really going anywhere anyway.
Next week: The cast of Sliders.