INTERVIEW with the cast of ‘Hangover 2’
This interview will be brief…the interviewer was allowed five questions before they set the dogs on him…here goes:
The interviewer sits on a chair. Bradley Cooper, Zach Gaflankainos and Ed Helms sit on the couch opposite.
Zach: Am I? [Checks his pants] Oh…
Bradley Cooper: What do you see?
Zach: Strangeness, man.
Ed: Oh yeah.
Interviewer: Very funny. Now about the film…it’s a sequel, and we know how those can go. Were you feeling anxious about re-telling the same joke?
Bradley: I didn’t want to do it.
Zach: I still don’t believe I did do it. I just went to Bangkok on vacation, man. Todd [the director] was the one with all the cameras.
Bradley: Oh, is that why you kept wandering off-shot?
Zach: The shot wandered off me.
Bradley: Wow, that’s a real shocker, dude. I guess they didn’t pay you for this vacation, right?
Zach: I don’t know, maybe. To be honest, I don’t really understand money. I still talk to the cash machine.
Interviewer: If we could get back on track…
Zach: On track, right. Do we get paid for that?
Bradley: I don’t get out of bed for less than what he gets.
Zach: You’re out of bed?
Bradley: My pants are my bed.
Zach: I like your pants.
Bradley: Thanks, man. I like your response times.
Zach: I like the way you wear your beauty. It’s very rugged. I have the same look but I underplay it.
Bradley: I like the way you underplay things.
Zach: Like the wolf pack thing? Yeah. [Zach mimes a plane flying low] Under the radar, man. Zero attention, no promotron…just the way I like it.
Bradley: Exactly, dude. Can it get any more subtle?
Zach: I don’t think people know that line even exists. They’re reading this right now, thinking, ‘wolf pack?’
Ed: Oh yeah.
Interviewer: Second question then…was there greater pressure to be funnier this time around?
Zach: I don’t know, I was on vacation.
Bradley: Yeah, there was insane pressure, right from when I first read the script. Todd actually got us together before we started the shoot and told us just how big this thing was.
Zach: Wait…you mean the first vacation made money?
Interviewer: Sadly, yes. A lot of money.
Zach stares at the interviewer.
Bradley: The first one was good, but we knew we could do better. I mean, everyone raves about it, but it wasn’t perfect. I did pretty good, but if you go back and look at Zach’s performance…he really starts to get annoying towards the end.
Zach: What you say, man?
Bradley: So the trick with this one was…and especially after that piece of shit Due Date…to make sure Zach didn’t derail things.
Zach: What the fuck?
Bradley: Which was pretty tough actually. You’d think he’d just come in and do the wolf pack line again, but it didn’t work that way, dude. The fact is people expect Zach to be funny now, and it was a problem, a big problem. And the more people expect him to be funny, the more he tries and the more embarrassing it gets.
Zach: Are you serious? I’m the only reason the first one made anything. The wolf pack, man…
Bradley: [To Zach] You do tend to repeat the same performance again and again. It’s not hard to see.
Zach: What are you talking about? I’ve only done, like, three films.
Bradley: And they’re all the same guy. Weird. Fat. Ultimately annoying.
Zach runs his fingers through his beard.
Zach: You turning on me, King Coop? Is that it?
Interviewer: He’s right though. You are pretty one-dimensional.
Zach stares at the interviewer.
Bradley: See? You’ve got no range, man. It’s cruel, but we gotta be honest with each other. I mean, look at me. I did A Team and it put me in the shit. Made nothing, fucking pocket change. Then I do that drugs thing and, thank God, dude, I evened out a little and…fuck, you know how hard it is to stay at the top, Z.
Zach: Yeah…well, I’ll outlast you, fuck-face.
Interviewer: Actually, Z, that’s probably not true. Comedians tend to burn bright and die out quicker than pretty boys. Not by much, but it happens. Your only real hope is to diversify and fast, and even then I don’t think you’ve got enough talent to stretch.
Zach: I got talent.
Bradley: Dude, I don’t know about Ed here, but I gotta say…some of the takes we did, I was getting pretty fucking bored of you.
Zach stands up and waves his arms about.
Zach: What is this, man?
Bradley: It’s publicity, man. What do you mean?
Zach: You’re turning on me, man. You’re humiliating me in front of this…thing. [He points at the interviewer].
Bradley: That’s just not true.
Zach: Is too. Tell him, Ed.
Ed: Oh Yeah.
Interviewer: Okay, final question…
Zach: Fuck you, press-man. I’m done with your questions.
Bradley: Zach…come on…
Zach looks at the door but has spent too long doing comedy that he can no longer exit in a serious way. The door scares him.
Zach: Fine. Last question…
Bradley: Good work, man. Sit down…
Zach: But no more shit or I’m leaving…
Bradley: Come on, man. We know you’ve got a thing about doors…
Zach: That’s bullshit. I love doors.
Bradley: You do?
Zach: [Gulps] Yes.
Interviewer: Right. Do you think the new movie will make any money?
Bradley: Not a cent.
Zach looks at the door again and wipes sweat off his brow.
Bradley: I sure hope not.
Zach: Yeah…it’s a…I don’t understand money. I still talk to the cash…wait…what was the question?
Bradley: If it does make any money, it means we’ll probably have to do another one. And another, and another…you know how it is…
Interviewer: I know. This could be the sum total of your career.
Bradley: For Zach? Probably. For me? Who knows, dude?
Zach: Hey, I heard that, man. And fuck you. You’re not that pretty. And I’ve got other things I can…Due Date 2, that TV detective thing…err…new stuff, fresh market…fresh meat…fresh things I can…do…wait, what am I [He looks around the room, confused, clearly sweating] Can we stop this? I really don’t…I’m not…can we stop?
Bradley: There ain’t gonna be no Due Date 2, Z. You’re the only one talking about it, not Bobby D, not Todd…
Zach: No, seriously, can we stop?
Interviewer: Let’s hope this will be the last movie in the series then…
Bradley: Amen to that.
Zach: Hey, I’m right here…hey! [Zach waves his hands in the air] Can we start this thing again? Please?
Everyone ignores him. He gives up and slumps back down into the couch.
Bradley: At least we won’t have to go through these fake publicity things again…
Interviewer: Man, I know what you mean. I had to do a round table for The Other Guys last year. Fucking painful.
Bradley: Yeah? I think I read that one. Wahlberg was actually pretty funny…
Interviewer: Yeah, he was okay…
Zach: [Mumbling] Wahlberg wasn’t funny…
Bradley: Which proves my point…comedians struggle because of expectation, but someone like Wahlberg, no one expects anything. Same with me. All I have to do is let Zach drown himself and then step in with a something funny…
Zach: You’re not funny…
Bradley: I get by…
Zach sits forward, poking himself in the chest.
Zach: I’m funny…
Bradley: You were.
Zach: I’ll show you funny…
Interviewer: Hey, where did the other guy go?
Bradley: Who, Ed?
Interviewer: Yeah, him.
They all look around except Zach who’s trying to eat the couch.
Interviewer: Did he leave?
Bradley: No, there he is. Look.
Ed is sitting in the same place he was before.
Bradley: Hey, we were just looking for you, Ed…
Ed: Oh yeah.
Zach: Guys…I’m eating the couch…
Interviewer: So, that’s all I got. Good luck with the movie even though it’s a piece of shit.
Bradley: Thanks, man. I’ll look out for you on the way back down.
Zach stands up and talks to his beard.
Zach: No…look, look…I’m inculcating my beard…I’m turning it into a magazine…I’m spelling in my pants…I’m…
Bradley stands up and walks out of the room.
Zach: I don’t believe I did the film…I was on vacation…fuck…wolf pack, wolf pack…
The interviewer stands and follows Cooper out of the room.
Zach: I like your pants. It’s very rugged. Wait…you mean the first one made money? I still talk to cash…I don’t…no footway, live traffic…Bangkok is rude and flighty…money doesn’t spend me, I spend money…astral fuck honey…thirty years of Steve Bell…love stick, love stick, newspaper of the year…wait, you mean Due Date’s my mother? I have no dog…it’s not fair…help…help me…Ed, help me…help me…
Ed: Oh yeah.
Zach falls on the floor and crawls towards the door. He puts his face against the frame and cries.
Zach: You are strong and I respect you. You are strong and I respect you. You are strong and…open. Open. Open. Open. Let me past, open. Open. I know the secret code, I know…wolf pack. It’s wolf pack. Subtle wolf pack. Cubby bear. Rich man, poor man. Damn you…damn you…
The door cannot and does not open.
Zach falls asleep for a hundred years.
A hundred years later…
Zach wakes up and sees Ed sitting on the couch with a very long, very white beard.
Zach: Ed…what happened?
Ed: Oh yeah.