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Zasulich Encounters Pop Culture (and Doesn’t Like It)

May 28, 2011

Dear Normal People,

So I read some of your books and I must say, I was not impressed. Through some regrettable chain of events involving trying to connect to fellow humans and being open-minded and accepting of reading recommendations, I ended up reading that one book about the sparkly people? Now there’s a rumour going around that these sparkly people are the Undead (what?) but as far as I can remember, I don’t recall anything about damned souls or fangs or turning into bats or Transylvania or or sexually repressed Victorians, so I’m not sure how this rumour got started. (Email me if you have an idea, kk?) I do remember, however, lots of teenage blue balls. Like, basically the whole book was like that one scene that’s an allegory for Harker getting a BJ because he fell asleep Where Dracula Told Him Not To. That was hot. But these scenes, albeit being off the sexually repressed hook, couldn’t even muster up some cheap allegory. It was more like:

I WANT TO SEX YOU I’M LEAVING NOW!*

Sparkle.

I was not impressed. And I feel obligated to relay the message the Romeo and Juliet are not pleased with having to share the title of Forbidden Lovers with — oh wait, what? Sparkly person gets unsparkly person and everything is more beautiful than they ever imagined? Hold on a moment while I check to see just how big of a Forbidden Love Epic Fail this is.

Oh man, it’s bad. This one falls right under FLEP #1: “Dad Finds Out and Approves because They Really Do Love Each Other.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

This isn’t how Undead love is supposed to go. Where’s the whole stabbing them in the heart with a stake because they’re the Undead spawn of Satan? That’s good Undead love times right there let me tell you what. And what about how all of that stake-driving in and out of the bloody hole in her chest being an allegory for the wedding night sex they’re supposed to be having, but aren’t because she’s the Undead spawn of Satan? This is more good Undead lovin’. I miss that.

So if the Love isn’t really Forbidden, what’s with the cover? I’m talking about the one with all the apple-holding going on. What is that? It’s like they took a big steaming crap not only on Genesis, but on apples as well. And hands. And if you’re going to steal stuff from the Bible, at least use it correctly, okay, because Jesus up in heaven right now is not laughing.

Because the book is pretty much a major fuck-up of every theme and idea it encounters, I thought a cover change would be most appropriate. Instead of an apple being held on the cover, we could have:

  1. A piece of celery (plain) because you put into it more than you get out of it.
  2. A big ol’ pair of achy blue balls. (duh)
  3. A steaming crap.
  4. Jesus not laughing.
  5. The tears of a thousand newly corrupted tweens/sexually repressed soccer moms.

In summation, I was not impressed with your–ahem–“literature”, Normal People. I suggest you cleanse yourself by drawing a cross with Holy Water upon your forehead and placing a Holy Wafer in your mouth. If you are too far gone for this, however, and the Holy Water sears your skin, you can always cut off your head and fill your mouth with garlic.

We don’t want your kind coming back, see.

XOXOXOXO,
Zasulich

*this can be said by any character to any other character, as they are interchangeable.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Buffylovesangel permalink
    May 29, 2011 10:32 pm

    This Twilight thing is so tame compared to the forbiddenness of the Buffy/Angel forbidden love. Because they don’t get together. It cannot be bidden because he is a sexy vampire and she is not. And her Mum forbid her.

    I hate Twilight, please die.

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