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Zasulich Encounters Pop Culture (and Doesn’t Like It) AGAIN!

June 2, 2011

Dear Normal People,

So I saw one of your movies, and I must say, I was not impressed.  Through some unfortunate circumstance involving me having no control over my environment, I watched that one movie about the kid with the glasses? The one that does the magic all the time?  I’m pretty sure the movie we watched was, like, the sixth one or something, so I didn’t really know what was going on.  I don’t think this had any bearings on the actual comprehension or standard of Goodness As a Movie, so we will render that fact irrelevant.

Before I sat down to watch your movie, Normal People, I made a joke about the magic kid being The Chosen One.  I thought it was rather witty, as we all know that calling someone The Chosen One is like making the undead sparkle.  It is funny in a very, very sad way.

Then I was flabbergasted, sitting there on that comfy leather couch next to my friend who had fallen asleep, when the one girl said something like “She thinks you’re the Chosen One.” and the magic kid said, “But I am the Chosen One.”

I was like, srsly?

You go by The Chosen One? Not even Luke Skywalker actually goes by the name of The Chosen One.  I mean, I think someone mentions it like maybe once or something I’m not that much of a Star Wars nerd, but he doesn’t call himself this. (If he wanted to he could, though, because he’s Luke Skywalker and he’s way more Chosen than Magic Glasses Kid With Glasses.)
So the movie was called, like, Magic Kid and Something About A Half Prince of the Blood, and I didn’t really think that was a good name for the movie.  I was watching and was like, dude, Magic Kid has no morals because he’s cheating with a Bloody Chemistry book, and this is not a good lesson for our children.  I think you could call it Magic Kid Cheats With An Old Chem Book w/ Answers Inside and that would basically be just as good. Or maybe if we’re sticking with the theme of naming the film after something kind of obscure, we could pick something out from when they’re in that water cave and there are, like, the thousand Gollum look-a-likes are coming to get him.  We could call this movie Magic Kid And The Thousand Gollum Look-A-Likes That Are Coming To Get Him.

I would watch that movie.  That title has confidence, you know?  It gives me a good idea of who the good guys are and who the bad guys are so I don’t have to figure it out for myself.  It also tells me that the movie studio is so confident that their film is good, that they don’t care that you know that they stole Gollum, made a thousand clones of him, and then shot him in the knee caps in a back alley so he wouldn’t talk.

I mean, if you don’t have confidence, you’re never going to get anywhere in life.

I wouldn’t stop there, though.  This film is so rich with random things that the title possibilities are endless.  And if it’s the sixth film, I think you could break from the traditional title set up, you know “Magic Kid and Blah Blah Blah”.  You could call it just Magic Cabinet FunTimes subhead When You Put Things In They Disappear and/or Die.  Or maybe you could point out some of the really famous people that appear in the film, like Helena Bonham Carter Is In This And Is Pregnant In One Scene But Not In The Rest.  Or if you’re going for a more adult crowd, how about Weird Hand Sex Pinky Swears.  Or make it an action flick by naming it Fight! subhead In the Bathroom! subhead With Magic!

The one thing in the movie that stood out to me as very good movie making indeed was the fact that the bad kid was a toe-head. That’s good because you can never trust the toe-heads.  They just don’t look right, you know? What is going on with the hair this can’t be natural!?

So in summation, I was not impressed with your movies, Normal People.  I look forward to not ever watching this film again, or any of the other in the Magic Kid series. And I suggest, that if you have a hankering for some Magic Kid, try to find maybe a dvd of him in Equus? You get to see the Magic Kid naked and he has this thing about horses.  Oh, and he doesn’t cheat out of old textbooks, so you know you won’t be running into any moral dilemmas in this one.

XOXOXOXO
Zasulich

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One Comment leave one →
  1. TruBanga permalink
    June 2, 2011 9:37 pm

    What’s up with grown up folk watching kid movies and then hatin on them?
    Mugglefucka!

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