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Tomomi Leung at Cannes 2011

June 15, 2011

 

Note: Gupter Puncher is on leave, so Tomomi [the Hollywood/movie correspondent] has switched to Zizek Press and promised to write something for us every few months. Her Cannes report is a few weeks late, but that’s because she was busy auditioning for the new Joss Whedon TV show [which has already been axed, but will film 11 episodes anyway].

*********

Dude, I’m a pariah.

I don’t really know how it happened, but I know it’s got something to do with Vince Gallo. What’s going on? Here I am at Cannes and no one’s giving me the time of day. Dude, they’re not even giving me the day of day…what day it is. Is this my fault? I’m gonna look around, see what I can find out then I’ll come back to the typewriter…or the laptop…Gallo set fire to my typewriter after he cheated on me with that bitch from Bologna…said it was predestined retribution or something, because I made him cheat and didn’t give him enough space to apologise for it…dude, I really hate that fucker…

Okay, I walked a few streets and saw a few faces I kinda half-know, and the word on the street is, yup, I’m an outcast…a pariah…and I know that’s the right word because I remember the guy from ‘Scream 3’ using it…yeah, I was in that movie, truly, but they cut all my scenes out…but anyway, the director guy, the guy who turned out to be the killer…can’t remember his name, but I did see him on Venice Beach a few weeks back…he was selling a book he said he’d written…and I talked to him a bit and asked him about the book, and he said it was about his life…and I looked at the synopsis and it was talking about a group of friends who meet a murderer and the tagline was something weird like, ‘stabbing with a knife is the sex of murder’…and I said I didn’t believe this shit really happened to him, and he just turned his head and rode off on his skateboard leaving all his books behind…which is kind of weird as there was no one looking out for them…I guess he had a lot of trust for the beach people there, or maybe deep down he knew his book was a piece of shit…

Dude, I’ve tangented…done a tangent…shit, I mean, I’m not talking about what I should be talking about…where was I…pariah…?

Okay, new paragraph…I’ll let Oli tidy up all the shit above…not that it was terrible, I mean, dude, between you and me I never get tired of hearing what’s happened to all these actors and actresses who were the next big thing, like, ten years ago, and then you see them selling ‘stabbing is the sex of murder’ books in Venice…it’s, like, such a leap…it kinda makes me relieved I never got touted as anything big or up and coming…God knows what I’d be doing if I were…if I’d been…shit, what’s the right tense for that…Oli?

I’ve sidelined myself again…sidelined the story, the thing I was supposed to be telling you about…dude, you should know by now you’ve gotta be patient with me…there’s so much in my head that just comes out when I start typing…and I know I came back fifteen minutes ago with a lot of stuff to say, but then…bam, ‘Scream 3’…bam, Venice beach…

So, dude…the thing is, the thing I’ve learned is…everyone hates me. Or not everyone, but all the people me and Gallo used to hang with…I know this because I saw Kirsten Dunst down by the promenade talking with Orlando Bloom [Dude, remember him? Another couple years and I bet he’s selling shitty books in Venice too], and I come over and ask if I can talk to her for a while…and she’s nice, Kirsten, and she only ever half-knew Gallo and never really liked him much anyway…so she said yeah, sure, I’ll talk to you…

Actually, maybe it’s better if I switch to interview style here…would that make it look better? Fuck it, let’s give it a shot:

TOMOMI: Do people hate me or something?

KIRSTEN: No, no…they don’t hate you. They…okay, they do hate you.

TOMOMI: Fuckers! [pause] Why?

KIRSTEN: Well, what I heard was…some guys are hating you because they think you betrayed Vince when he cheated on you…and other guys are hating you because they think you’re still with Vince…it’s kinda lose-lose…sorry, honey.

TOMOMI: Does anyone like me?

KIRSTEN: Sure, a few. There’s me. Orlando here [she points to the blank, he smiles]. Ryan Gosling still likes you. So do most Europeans…

TOMOMI: Cool, cos I don’t have a place to stay yet…

KIRSTEN: You haven’t booked anywhere?

TOMOMI: I tried…they said they were all full. I think maybe Vince had something to do with it.

KIRSTEN: Oh.

TOMOMI: So…how was that thing with Lars [Von Trier]?

KIRSTEN: What’s that?

TOMOMI: That movie you did…the melancholy thing…

KIRSTEN: Oh that. Sorry, I have to be on guard a little…you know what happened with Lars and the Nazi thing?

TOMOMI: He’s a Nazi?

KIRSTEN: Pretty much equivalent to it, yeah.

TOMOMI: Shit. Dude, I thought they were all dead?

KIRSTEN: They are, they are. I think Lars just has this thing about standing out in a crowd, y’know? Which makes it real hard if you’re the one standing next to him when he, like, says this kind of shit…

TOMOMI: You got any other new movies coming out soon?

KIRSTEN: New things? Let me see…I guess it’s no secret that I’m in the new ‘Spiderman’, as aunt May. Hmm…what else?

TOMOMI: Aunt May?

KIRSTEN: Ah! There’s that thing…I don’t even know how I got roped into this…think I may have been wasted when I signed…but yeah, I’m gonna be the bad guy in the new ’24’ movie. You heard about that?

TOMOMI: ’24’ movie? Dude, I thought they’d stretched that thing as far as it’d go, like, four seasons back…

KIRSTEN: They did, but this is different. This is the movie version. I was talking to Kiefer during the melancholy film and he was saying there’s never been a really queen bitch bad guy on ’24’, and did I want to give it a shot…and I talked to the producer guys and they were saying, yeah, we really want a female bitch as the bad guy, but we also need her to be Arab…which kinda rules me out, you would think…but Kiefer…he’s a genius, he’s really out there…he comes into the meeting fucking wasted, y’know, like he’s swinging at the mail boys as he’s coming out of the elevator, and he says, ‘fuck, just paint her face a little’…and we were like, shit, that sounds dubious, we don’t know, Kiefer…but he keeps saying it, and the more he says it, the more we start to think, yeah, this could really work…

TOMOMI: So you’re gonna play Arab?

KIRSTEN: Half-Arab, yeah. I’m really looking forward to it…it’s really cool, I get one of those ‘you stupid Americans, you think blah blah blah’ speeches…[Orlando grabs her ass and points across the promenade, to a hotel, I think] Sorry, Tomi, I gotta go…Orlando and me, we’re gonna…y’know?

And then they were gone…to…y’know? Dude, didn’t that guy just get married?

So here I am in a cafe, with no hotel, few friends, and no hope of getting any kind of movie action out of this shit…dude, I don’t even have tickets to these movies…maybe I should go out and try and grab some somewhere…

Dude, it’s been two days and things have not been going well.

Let me try and line all this up right…a lot of shit has happened and I’m not sure all of it really happened, y’know? I remember meeting Kirsten again…that was two days ago…and she took me into the Melancholy movie…which was a bit of a waste actually…nothing really happened…Kirsten’s character was just depressed about things and she got married and didn’t feel good about it, and kept walking around telling people random things about the universe and how pointless everything was and why do we bother doing anything? And then it switched to that mad bitch from ‘Anti-Christ’…the one who tried to cut Willem Defoe’s dick off…and she spends the whole film looking at this huge planet through a telescope, telling everyone it’s gonna hit Earth, it’s gonna hit Earth…and guess what? It hits Earth, and miserable Kirsten gets a planet in the face…which was pretty well done actually…I don’t know how Lars Von Trier feels about CGI, but that had to be fake…like, dude, a whole chunk of planet breaks off and falls towards Dunst’s face and you see it impact on her nose and come out the back of her head…I’m not sure if it’s symbolism or anything, but it’s gotta mean something if it’s in a Von Trier movie, right?

Shit, I slalomed again…dude, I don’t know how it keeps happening…it’s like there’s a scene running in my head and it’s in some kind of pre-destined order and I have, like, no control over it at all and I just type out what I see…or what the eye in my head sees…shit, does that make sense? Wasn’t there a line in ‘Hamlet’ that said something like that…the mind’s eye…or was that ‘The Tempest’? Fuck it, I’m not here to talk spear…

So me and Dunst watch her movie and it ends and she gets a lot of clapping, but not hysterical clapping because of all the weird shit Von Trier said about Nazis the day before…and we go out and head a few doors down to a party…and Ryan Gosling and Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush are there…and I walk up to Gosling and tell him how much I liked ‘Blue Valentine’ [I never say loved, it’s too fawny], and did him and Mish Williams really have sex in that movie…and he smiles, and that girl from ‘House’ is standing next to him and she smiles too…dude, I suppose they’re dating, but I didn’t really care at the time as I wanted to ask him stuff, and he wanted to answer stuff…and I’m not sure how it happened but the next day I wake up and he’s on top of me…dude, I know this paints me pretty bad, but in my defence I have no idea how I got there…I don’t even know where ‘there’ is…I have to lift my head and look around to see we’re in a hotel room, lying on the floor with all his shit and all my shit over the other side of the room…I mean, dude, it’s not like I’m a slut or anything, it just means…fuck, I don’t know what it means…maybe that I’m more interesting than that girl from ‘House’?

Anyway, Gosling’s on top of me and his hand is on my leg and he’s moving upwards…and I kinda like him still so I let him do it…but then he starts talking in my ear, saying shit like ‘The greatest actor of his generation is about to fuck you, baby…the coolest fucking man in the world is gonna stick his cock in your lucky hole…you feeling the privilege, baby? Are ya? Are ya feeling it?’ And, dude, I gotta tell you, I wasn’t feeling much of anything, except maybe boredom…I mean, the previous night starts to filter back and I remember me and Gosling talking about his movie, ‘Drive’…or him talking about it…I was just standing there like a shop dummy, nodding and asking him over and over if it was metaphysical or something?

Dude, what does metaphysical even mean? Like, I have a vague idea, but no specifics…it’s like the body and the mind, right? And why was I saying it over and over…I don’t know, but anyway…Gosling, the hotel room, that weird shit he was saying…I talk back to him, saying, ‘I gotta be somewhere…’ and push him off and look for my clothes…and he just lies back and laughs…and I’m like, dude, what’s the big joke? And he doesn’t say anything, he just holds up his hand and makes a humming sound…like, he’s trying to ‘jedi’ me back to his cock or something…and when i don’t come, he gets angry and says, ‘you’ll never get another shot at this, baby’…and I sit on the bed and smile and say, maybe later, but I really gotta be somewhere…and he takes that better than I thought, so as I’m putting my skirt back on I figure I can kill a little time and ask him about his next movie…

RYAN GOSLING: They’re trying to fix me up with that weirdo from ‘The Hangover’ movie…but I’m resisting it.

TOMOMI: What’s the movie?

GOSLING: That’s the fucked up part. They don’t even know yet. There’s no script, no director…it’s just a whim, y’know? How about we put this guy and this guy together, see what happens? But it’s shit, man. I mean, he’s peaked already, and he can’t do drama so what do they think’s gonna happen? I’m on the way up, Hangover guy is sliding down…I’m probably the greatest actor of my generation, he’s got a beard. It’s fucking ridiculous.

TOMOMI: So…can you get out of it?

GOSLING: Sure, long as I’ve got a mind. Maybe I’ll go slumming again, do some mumble-core shit with Parker Posey or Greta what’s-her-face. But then…no, she’s selling out now, isn’t she? Fuck…never mind, I’ll just do something European…see what Paolo Sorrentino’s up to.

TOMOMI: You’re not tempted by a blockbuster or something big like that?

GOSLING: Was DeNiro? Was Ed Norton?

TOMOMI: Dude…Ed Norton…I forgot all about him.

GOSLING: Yeah, and you’re not alone. Man, that guy’s a genius. He’s slipped so low he can do whatever the hell he wants now. Ain’t nobody gonna say boo about it.

So, dude, that was the last I saw of Gosling…I don’t really know if he was mad about me pushing him away, but I don’t regret it if he was…I mean, I’ve put up with that kind of superior shit a lot now and I’m sick of it…who the fuck do these guys think they are? Acting is not like religion or anything…they’re not stopping war or saving urchins, are they? But now and then they’ll pop up and say shit like, dude, I feel so useless and undeserving, why don’t I go to Africa and stop disease and do something cool? And then all the fawners say shit like, no, no, you’re special, you’re the greatest actor of your generation, you don’t have to do anything…I mean, dude, fucking actors…give me Mark Wahlberg any day of the week…at least he’s still got some humility about him…

Shit, dude, where was I…I’m lost again…

I’ve just re-read everything I’ve written and two things come to mind…one, I’ve put down a lot of gossip I probably shouldn’t have, and, two, there’s nothing about movies except that Melancholy thing that Kirsten did…so now I’m gonna remedy things and do what I should’ve done two days ago…I’m gonna turn myself into a proper movie critic and crit things…

DRIVE

I know I’m not the most neutral voice on this one, having fucked Gosling one and a half times…but I’m pretty sure the critic half of me can detach itself and be partisan…

Wait, is that right? Partisan? That’s like neutral, right? Where you don’t let your personal feelings get in the way even though Gosling is pretty full of himself and pretends to be humble in interviews, but really, when you’re alone, he talks about his movies and what they mean and tries to guide you onto his cock because he thinks you think he’s so great at acting…

Fuck it, I’ll just use ‘objective’ instead… I know what that one means…

So, ‘Drive’…it’s about a stuntman driver who moonlights as a getaway driver for bank-robbers, and his thing is…he drives for five minutes then gets out of the car and says you’re on your own. And that’s like the first scene of the movie, and it’s pretty well done, but logically, dude, it doesn’t make a lick of sense. I mean, who would pay a getaway driver anything if he says he’s gonna ditch you after five minutes…and even if he does reason it, like, five minutes is all I need to make a getaway…but that doesn’t make sense either…I mean, if you’re still in the shit after five minutes of getaway action then it’s his fault, isn’t it? He should be good enough to get you out of the shit, not leave you in it…dude, I don’t know, maybe I’m being too hard, but if you’re having logic questions in the first five minutes then something’s wrong…but anyway, that’s not really the story of the movie…I mean, it’s a big part of it, but the real meat is Gosling when he’s not driving…the rest of the time he walks around his apartment looking at his posters and not saying anything, and then seeing Carey Mulligan next door and not saying anything to her either…and then they fall in love even though he’s said next to nothing, and she’s married, and then her husband gets out of prison and he needs to do a bank job and Gosling becomes his driver…and you can probably guess how this thing is gonna turn out. And you’d be wrong. The ending is super weird and, dude, Gosling is not what you think he is…but yeah, there’re still a whole boat load of logic issues with this thing, but, dude, it doesn’t really matter as you never really get bored enough while watching to question things seriously…even after it’s finished you don’t really question it…kinda like that ’28 days Later’ movie, where you think it’s cool, but then someone points out that the soldiers went crazy after only a couple weeks of being alone…

Okay, dude, that’s enough on ‘Drive’…let’s skip onwards to Almodovar…

 THE SKIN I LIVE IN

This movie is nuts…Banderas is nuts, Almodovar is nuts, the story is nuts…but nuts is good, and this thing plays like one of those old Frankenstein horror movies…even though it’s set in Spain they’ve somehow got their hands on one of those old scary-looking, castle-like mansions, and that’s where Banderas does all these creepy science experiments…most of them involving fake skin and putting it over this girl who is super hot…dude, I don’t know who she is, but she follows the usual Almodovar/Spanish route of getting her clothes off and keeping them off for pretty much the whole movie…and I don’t blame her, she’s got great tits, really great tits…and it’s not like she’s just a piece of ass in this…she also gets some dramatic stuff and when she says shit like ‘the skin is me, more than my brain’ you forget that she’s standing there naked and you appreciate the line…it makes you think about what makes you who you are and what if some weird scientist got hold of you and gave you fake skin, would you still be you? Dude, I know I said I didn’t know the meaning of this word before, but I really think it’s right to use it here…this thing is metaphysical, and proud of it. Having said all that, I know there’ll be a load of perverts who download this for the Spanish girl’s tits, and they won’t give a shit about the metaphysical stuff…but you can’t help people like that. They’re the kind of pointless fuckers who watch ‘Irreversible’ to whack off to the rape scene…and at least the Spanish girl and Almodovar know they got her tits out for the right reasons…

MICHAEL

I saw this one with Geoffrey Rush…dude, I know I’m name-dropping here, but I’m not really, honest to God…it’s just he came up to me at the party last night and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie about a man who locks a young boy in his basement…and I didn’t know much about the movie, but I knew I didn’t have anything else to do the next day, so I said, sure, see you tomorrow…and yeah, I’ll admit, it didn’t really end there…Rush said, why wait till tomorrow, and asked me if I wanted to take a walk outside along the promenade…and I weighed it all up, and, dude, I knew what he wanted out of me, but I also knew he was doing okay recently, and he wasn’t the best-looking guy around, but…fuck it, he wasn’t talking about himself all the time and he didn’t call himself the greatest actor of his generation, so…yeah, we went for a walk, and yeah, we ended up in some dude’s bedroom on a yacht, and yeah, we fucked around a little, and yeah…actually, I really don’t think like I have to reveal everything I did, y’know? I mean, I’m my own worst enemy sometimes…like, I feel I should be all super honest about everything…I hate those fakers who pretend they’re all innocent, when everyone knows they’re doing some weird shit behind the scenes…and it’s not like I’m any worse than any other actor or actress out there…and yeah, I do stuff, and…

Fuck it, why am I defending myself here? Let’s just see what I thought about that boy in the basement movie…

MICHAEL [again]

Dude, this movie was intense. If you’re easily offended…or if you thought something like ‘Saw’ was too much then you seriously need to stay the fuck away from this one. The main character’s this guy, who’s a father and a husband and has a normal job and friends and all that shit…and he also keeps a ten year old boy in his basement…and it’s weird, the boy isn’t passive, he stands up to the main guy when he comes down to abuse him…there’s one scene where the main guy drops his pants and tries to guide the kid’s mouth towards his cock, but the kid tries to bite it off…like I said, it’s really intense stuff, and it’s interesting how the main guy is so different in front of his family…it’s like all his dark thoughts are severed and reserved for when he’s down in the basement…I mean, there is absolutely no trace of menace at the breakfast table or when they’re all watching TV…he even let’s his wife and kids walk all over him…but when he’s in the basement, he let’s all that dark shit spill out…and the way this thing ends, it makes you think, weirdly, who’s the real bad guy here? You’ll see what I mean…

Three, four movies down…what else?

THE BOY AND HIS BICYCLE

Dude, I don’t know why, but I really liked this movie. Maybe it’s the location…the boy riding his bike around Marseille all day and, y’know, it’s not the usual American city you see in movies, and that’s why it’s so good…it’s like that movie in Belgrade I saw…’The Belgrade Phantom’…and the guy’s driving his car around the night streets of Belgrade and it makes such a great fucking change from seeing some American guy driving around LA or New York…and the story’s pretty good in this too…it’s not in the same league of depravity as that boy in the basement movie, but it’s got the same kind of corruption theme running through it…I mean, the main boy, he’s quite young, maybe twelve or something…and he falls in with another kid who’s eighteen or nineteen, and that kid becomes like a father figure to him…which is kinda like that other movie from the same directors…the Dardenne Brothers, I think they’re called…and yeah, they did this movie a few years ago about a young guy trying to sell his kid on the black market…and the whole idea of children seeing too much too young and being parental figures when they’re twenty or something…it’s a pretty good theme to make a movie about if you ask me, and, dude, it works really well in this one because the bicycle plays such a huge part…dude, I think it’s symbolism again…the bicycle represents…something…childhood or something…and it makes you think…dude, how do you raise a child and keep them normal?

Okay, dude…almost done now…my fingers are starting to bleed, and my little finger actually feels like it’s broken itself…seriously, it’s pointing the wrong way, what’s going on?

Fuck it, I suppose I should say something about ‘Tree of Life’ and ‘This must be the place’ before I go…

TREE OF LIFE

If you like Malick and his shots of nature and animals and nothing really happening then you’ll like this…but, dude, I’m torn, deeply torn…some parts of it I felt, yeah, that’s cool, I feel like I’m feeling something deep here, or something spiritual…but then other times I got annoyed because the story wasn’t doing anything. I mean, this movie is like an anti-movie if you follow the Hollywood template…or not even that, if you follow the basic, gotta-make-sense style narrative of movies…this one does the complete opposite of that. Seriously, you don’t even find out what job Penn does…and you don’t know when it’s all set and how much time has passed between most of the scenes…I don’t know, I guess a lot of people will adore this kind of narrative, but, dude, I just don’t think I get it enough…it’s like, you kinda think, yeah, I bet Malick watches this and it makes perfect sense to him, but everyone else watches it and wonders if it makes sense to Malick…does that make sense? Okay, another way…it’s like when you have a really interesting powerful dream and you wake up and you start telling someone about it, and they start yawning…that’s what this movie feels like…like Malick sitting you down for three hours and telling you about his dream.

Fuck it, I’ll just say it…the only person who would like this kind of movie is a faker…the worst kind of piece of shit out there…I mean, what do they really get from it?

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE

Sean Penn looks insane. Dude, I don’t know if you’ve seen the stills from this or not, but he looks like the guy from The Cure…actually, I think he’s meant to be the guy from The Cure…he’s definitely a rock star from the 80s, and he’s definitely miserable most of the time…and the only thing that gives him any purpose is when his dad dies and he finds out a Nazi once gave him a hard time during WW2…so he sets out on a road trip to try and find and kill this Nazi guy…yeah, he’s still alive, and yeah, it’s another one of those road trip movies where the main guy meets strangers and reconnects with life…dude, I don’t know about you, but it’s getting a little one track with these narratives…I mean, where are the road trip movies where the main guy meets strangers and it confirms why he hates people so much in the first place? The only time they do that, I guess, is if the main guy’s a serial killer and he only hangs out with strangers because he wants to kill them…shit, now I think about it, that whole narrative seems kinda tired too…so what do we really want instead?

Dude, I’m not sure…I’m kinda running dry here…I’ve typed more than I usually type and I’m not getting paid by the word so…fuck it, I’m bowing out…Cannes is pretty much covered and I even threw in some gossip for you too…though maybe Oli’s gonna edit that part out…I mean, no one really cares that much about how Gosling fucks, right?

Ah, never mind…I’ve done what I can, and I bet I’ve done better than most of those other critics out there…at least I’ve told the truth, no matter what reprisals attack me because of it…

Mata ne…

                                        

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 15, 2011 12:20 pm

    Gosling, Tomomi?

    One day you’ll realise it’s more interesting to be where you are than where he is [currently].

  2. Stavrogin permalink
    June 15, 2011 12:21 pm

    My favourite woman in the whole world, real and imagined.

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