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Johann Hari is Marlon Brando

July 22, 2011

Johann Hari is Marlon Brando.

He sits on his couch in his vest and jeans. Looking hot, but feeling wretched. I could have been someone, he says to nobody, I could have been a contender. But everything is ruined.

Johann Hari is Robert DeNiro.

Johann flicks the switches on the TV. He’s lost everything. His job, his reputation, his remote control. It is such an effort to heave himself up off the couch and go over to turn the channels manually. Every single one shows a version of his tragedy. Murdoch, Brookes, Coulson. They are all laughing at Johann. He gets out his pretend gun and shoots the screen. You talking to me?

Johann Hari is Gina Davis.

He was on a roll. He was on a wave. Riding high. He was drunk on mini-bottles of licqeur he stole from the seven eleven. He was on the run from the law, like Thelma and Louise. But now it is morning. He is coming down from the best night of his life, like he’d fucked Brad Pitt in a motel room. Like he’d fought David Aaronovitch and won. And everything has gone wrong. He missed a vital detail, and now Brad Pitt has run off with all his money, and David Aaronovitch can’t stop laughing. And Susan Sarandon is angry. Everyone is angry. I’m sorry Mum.

Johann Hari is Harry Dean Stanton

He is alone in the desert. His world has fallen apart. Nattasja Kinski wants him dead. He can’t go back and face the music, so he does what only a hero can. He just keeps walking.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Stavrogin permalink
    July 23, 2011 2:48 pm

    This is probably the first publicity Geena Davis has had in years.

  2. Stavrogin permalink
    July 26, 2011 4:37 pm

    I forgot to say, this is good and I like the word choices you made. Gina is still Geena to me, spelling doesn’t matter.

  3. dodo permalink
    May 23, 2014 8:25 pm

    i love harry dean

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