REVIEW: Conanan the Barbarian [in 3D, I think]
Conan the Barbarian 3D
Dir. the guy who did the re-make of ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’
Starring: Some guy with huge tits
This remake starts the same as the original.
Lots of men on horses ride into a village and slaughter everyone except Conan. He’s a little kid and manages to hide under a twister mat.
Then, and this is pretty damn unlikely, this cute little kid grows up into a savage man-beast with huge tits.
Macauley Culkin was cute in ‘Home Alone’. Now he’s 5’6″ and weird-looking.
Elijah Wood was cute in ‘North’. Now he’s 5’6″ and baby-faced.
Haley Joel Osment was cute in ‘The Sixth Sense’. Now he no longer seems to be on the face of this Earth. Unless he’s hiding under a twister mat[?].
Why is Conan so big?
Fuck it, he’s big. I’ll let it go.
The action scenes in this are pretty good. Conan’s sword is as huge as his tits and I like the way it’s so hard for him to lift it off the ground. There’s one scene where he’s fighting this other guy, who’s about the same size, and they’re trying to swing their swords but they’re just too fucking heavy. It’s so gritty, so authentic. And the only way for Conan to win is to point behind the other guy and say ‘Shit, it’s Gene Hackman!’ then lunge forward and break the guy’s neck.
Conan’s quite well-drawn in this. He’s cunning and strong. And the guy playing him is several levels above Arnie when it comes to dialogue. Not that he gets much. He just walks around saying basic stuff like ‘where is this, where is that, who are you?’ Straight out of an ESL Centre.
The bad guy is the white-haired colonel from ‘Avatar’. He’s quite a fierce guy, and his tits are also pretty big.
I’m not sure about his motivation though. For some reason he spends the first half of the film talking about military-socialism and how it’s the way forward. Then he orders his men to massacre another village. Then more talk of socialism. And whenever one of his men tries to call him on it, he tells them they don’t know what they’re talking about.
There is one good aspect of him though. He doesn’t kill one of his men when they fail a mission. Usually Hollywood will have a scene that shows how evil and ruthless the bad guy is, but this one…he’s quite a nice guy. Like Willem Defoe in ‘Platoon’. You almost want him to win and implement his weird socialism.
But he doesn’t win.
That’s not really a spoiler, is it?