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REVIEW: Conanan the Barbarian [in 3D, I think]

August 23, 2011


Conan the Barbarian 3D

Dir. the guy who did the re-make of ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’

Starring: Some guy with huge tits


This remake starts the same as the original.

Lots of men on horses ride into a village and slaughter everyone except Conan. He’s a little kid and manages to hide under a twister mat.

Then, and this is pretty damn unlikely, this cute little kid grows up into a savage man-beast with huge tits.

Macauley Culkin was cute in ‘Home Alone’. Now he’s 5’6″ and weird-looking.

Elijah Wood was cute in ‘North’. Now he’s 5’6″ and baby-faced.

Haley Joel Osment was cute in ‘The Sixth Sense’. Now he no longer seems to be on the face of this Earth. Unless he’s hiding under a twister mat[?].

Why is Conan so big?

Fuck it, he’s big. I’ll let it go.

The action scenes in this are pretty good. Conan’s sword is as huge as his tits and I like the way it’s so hard for him to lift it off the ground. There’s one scene where he’s fighting this other guy, who’s about the same size, and they’re trying to swing their swords but they’re just too fucking heavy. It’s so gritty, so authentic. And the only way for Conan to win is to point behind the other guy and say ‘Shit, it’s Gene Hackman!’ then lunge forward and break the guy’s neck.

Conan’s quite well-drawn in this. He’s cunning and strong. And the guy playing him is several levels above Arnie when it comes to dialogue. Not that he gets much. He just walks around saying basic stuff like ‘where is this, where is that, who are you?’ Straight out of an ESL Centre.

The bad guy is the white-haired colonel from ‘Avatar’. He’s quite a fierce guy, and his tits are also pretty big.

I’m not sure about his motivation though. For some reason he spends the first half of the film talking about military-socialism and how it’s the way forward. Then he orders his men to massacre another village. Then more talk of socialism. And whenever one of his men tries to call him on it, he tells them they don’t know what they’re talking about.


There is one good aspect of him though. He doesn’t kill one of his men when they fail a mission. Usually Hollywood will have a scene that shows how evil and ruthless the bad guy is, but this one…he’s quite a nice guy. Like Willem Defoe in ‘Platoon’. You almost want him to win and implement his weird socialism.

But he doesn’t win.

That’s not really a spoiler, is it?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Conanthebarber permalink
    August 23, 2011 4:56 pm

    Your version of the movie sounds better than the real one I just Clockwork Orange’d my way through.

    • Stavrogin permalink
      August 23, 2011 4:58 pm

      It’s the version they showed me. Director’s Cut maybe?

  2. RedRose permalink
    August 23, 2011 5:00 pm

    I read this all the way through [okay, okay, it wasn’t that long, but still…] and not one line on the lovely and multi-talented Miss McGowan.

    Perhaps she was edited out of the version you saw? The version which apparently contained socialism and a small child hiding under a twister mat.

  3. Rachel permalink
    September 4, 2011 8:42 am

    It is hard to determine his motivation. Socialism is not something that enters easily into Conan’s world.

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