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These are the aliens from our head

September 5, 2011





klingons were the first aliens to have ridges on their heads to show their alien-ness only they didn’t have them in the original series because the make-up took too long to apply and they didn’t have the budget to include make-up people anyway so they just covered them in shoe polish and called them aliens and then later in one of the newer series they developed ridges because they had more money and to continue using shoe polish would’ve brought up race issues that couldn’t be brought up anymore not since ted danson did the same stunt on tv one time in the eighties so the klingons looked more alien but still human and instead of being devious motherfuckers like in the original series they became honourable and courageous and wanted to die in battle every battle any battle they could find in the sector even though the klingons in the original series had been conquerors and torturers and had executed civilians if they didn’t get their way and their way was usually pretty severe and militaristic and it’s ironic that one of the klingons from the original series appeared as the same character in the star trek series with the space station but this time he wasn’t a murderer he was honourable and there were some similarities between the two versions I guess but most of it didn’t match up very convincingly because thirty years had passed in real life.

The daleks looked alien if you’d never seen a machine but if you had then they didn’t they looked like an alien designed by a human who didn’t know much about biology and the ways it could manifest itself differently if moulded from a different planet with a more fucked up atmosphere.

the alien that is also called alien is sometimes called xenomorph or species something something I think but I’m not one hundred per cent sure on that as it’s buried in whispered dialogue somewhere in one of the movies and i don’t have total memory recall and even if i did i might choose not to say it or type it as it would make me look like a nut but anyway the actual nature of the alien is uninteresting as it is not developed in any way it is simply a killing machine that reproduces so it can kill again and seems to have no real plan other than that.

the aliens from mars attacks are there for laughs and don’t care if you’re a star or if you’re just the skeleton from that sex and the city film and if you’re Jack Nicholson then you can die twice just for turning up and no one seems to care that mars cannot possibly be the home of these aliens or that such an advanced race would be so evil and capricious when most other super-races are either benign or deadly serious.

the generic image of the alien is the image of the grey and it’s an image that comes from somewhere in the human mind not from outer space and whoever thought it up is the same kind of person who imagines God to be like a human only bigger and with a longer beard.

the aliens from childhoods end look like devils but they don’t show themselves for the first part of the book because people would be afraid even though the aliens are benevolent and haven’t really interfered in human affairs in any bad way except when they made the people at the bull fight feel the same pain as the bull when it was stabbed by the guy in the fancy suit but when they do reveal themselves some people are still afraid and try to speak out and rebel but it dies out pretty fast and in the end it turns out that the alien devils have a sad story to tell and that story is a spoiler if you haven’t read the book so maybe I shouldn’t say anything but what i will say is they are the logical eventuality of an alien race that has been around a lot longer than the human race and it’s good to know they don’t want to steal our water or explode us or take us to their ships and fuck around with our bodies so thank you arthur c clarke for your optimism.

the beachball from dark star is credited as an alien but there’s not much to say about it really as it doesn’t talk about its culture or history or where it’s from even and all it does is bounce around the ship and annoy one of the humans so there’s nothing there about its racial or speciel identity and that’s probably the way Carpenter likes it.

the cardassians are as cold as ice and even worse than ice because ice doesn’t smile and lie to your face or occupy your planet and torture you and execute your family and act smug at peace conferences and cardassians do all this because they believe they are better than all other races even though their ships can’t fight for shit and even the design work on the exterior looks bad and although they do look quite devious and intimidating they also wear shoulder pads to make themselves look bigger and probably stack heel boots too but it’s not easy to tell that as the camera never pans down to their feet but overall if you ever see a cardassian walking towards you on the other side of the street it’s best to walk the other way and pretend you never saw them.

the ferengi are another species of alien from star trek but a good one as they’re in love with money and cowards at heart but sometimes one of them the bartender his name is quark surprises other characters by thinking of others instead of himself or more specifically money and then there are other times where he sells out everyone and the whole station to klingons which is bad but not as terrible as what a lot of people think of him for example the bajoran major who thinks he collaborated with the cardassians during their occupation of bajor when in reality or in an alternate reality or the real reality i’m not sure which he gave the bajoran slaves food when the guards weren’t looking which is something he would’ve been executed for had he been caught but he wasn’t and a lot of characters continue to hate him in ignorance or in light of other facts about him even the guy who can change into a table and it’s funny how the humans of this show are just as prejudiced as the aliens and how they try to force their federation onto every planet they find which is possibly a subtext for the west trying to impose liberal democracy onto other countries but even though i’ve typed it i’m not sure it’s one hundred per cent analogous and maybe the federation isn’t really trying to do that at all.

The aliens from star wars are just pictures they’re not worth our time at all.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. James B permalink
    September 10, 2011 5:34 am

    What’s with the alien crucifix?

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