10 Reasons Not To See Drive
1) Ryan Gosling
2) The director, Nicolas Winding Refn, says things like this:
‘I have a fetish for the sensibility of corners and linear lines’.
3) It’s a film called Drive about cars, that was all worked out, between the actor and the director, when they were driving in a car, listening to music on the car stereo. But the music playing wasn’t Drive by The Cars so it makes the whole story about how they bonded in the car and did the deal and wanked each other off in the front seats to celebrate, with some cum spilling onto the dashboard, rubbish.
4) Ryan Gosling is loved by feminists. This means he must be a twat.
5) It is supposed to be the film of the decade or something. Do not trust this information. I refer you to point 1) Ryan Gosling.
6) Some films with one word titles work, like Crash. And Jaws. And Alien. Other films with one word titles don’t, like Cocoon. And Dogma. And Tootsie. It’s a fine line to tread. Drive drove onto the wrong side of the road.
7) Ryan Gosling’s face is the kind of face you’d want to slap, if it didn’t look like it had already been slapped. It’s not even worth slapping.
8 ) Danish directors who go to Hollywood instead of living in the wilds of Scandanavia and making films out of twigs and salted herring, are real sell-outs.
9) Look. I know my view is unpopular, but I think Ryan Gosling is actually Emilio Estevez in drag, and when you get all comfortable in the cinema he’s just going to pop out in his baseball jacket and that cutesy baby face and re-enact the interminable detention scene from Breakfast Club. And then he’s going to kill you.
10) Just don’t.