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10 Reasons Not To See Drive

October 3, 2011

1) Ryan Gosling

2) The director, Nicolas Winding Refn, says things like this:

‘I have a fetish for the sensibility of corners and linear lines’.

3) It’s a film called Drive about cars, that was all worked out, between the actor and the director, when they were driving in a car, listening to music on the car stereo. But the music playing wasn’t Drive by The Cars so it makes the whole story about how they bonded in the car and did the deal and wanked each other off in the front seats to celebrate, with some cum spilling onto the dashboard, rubbish.

4) Ryan Gosling is loved by feminists. This means he must be a twat.

5) It is supposed to be the film of the decade or something. Do not trust this information. I refer you to point 1) Ryan Gosling.

6) Some films with one word titles work, like Crash. And Jaws. And Alien. Other films with one word titles don’t, like Cocoon. And Dogma. And Tootsie. It’s a fine line to tread. Drive drove onto the wrong side of the road.

7) Ryan Gosling’s face is the kind of face you’d want to slap, if it didn’t look like it had already been slapped. It’s not even worth slapping.

8 ) Danish directors who go to Hollywood instead of living in the wilds of Scandanavia and making films out of twigs and salted herring, are real sell-outs.

9) Look. I know my view is unpopular, but I think Ryan Gosling is actually Emilio Estevez in drag, and when you get all comfortable in the cinema he’s just going to pop out in his baseball jacket and that cutesy baby face and re-enact the interminable detention scene from Breakfast Club. And then he’s going to kill you.

10) Just don’t.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Stavrogin permalink
    October 5, 2011 4:09 pm

    Re: Refn the director: In the plus corner, you stick a microphone/tape recorder in a creative’s face for long enough, he’s gonna start talking shit eventually.

    In the other corner, he’s clearly talking a new breed of shit above.

  2. Stavrogin permalink
    October 5, 2011 4:19 pm

    As for Gosling, the hype is out of control. It’s been almost two years straight. Look at his edge, look at his anti-ness, look how much he resembles Ed Norton. He’s good, but he needs to go hide in a cave somewhere, just for a little while.

    Oh, and IMDB says Refn and Gosling are making Logan’s Run together…that film actually has an idea behind it, what the hell’s Refn gonna say this time?

    Note: I’m looking forward to ‘Drive’, should be decent.

  3. October 6, 2011 7:33 pm

    you’re so fickle. I want you to be wholeheartedly on my side. Or else it doesn’t work! Like the whole car/drive/Drive/Cars fiasco

    • Stavrogin permalink
      October 7, 2011 5:04 am

      Fickler on the roof.

      You almost had me whole-heart, but then i took a step back and realised you’d loaded the article by putting that pic of Gosling on top of it all. What the hell was he thinking? It’s almost as bad as that Paul Bettany pic on the guardian website last week…

  4. October 18, 2011 5:06 pm

    True. This film just washed over me as if i’d seen it all before. Gosling is continuing with his Mickey Rourke circa Pope of Greenwich Village/9 and half weeks impression; does he think no one will notice? Watched Stupid, Crazy, Love and turned it off as soon as he came on.

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