Skip to content – Member 17658: Tommy Pynch [Real Name: Thomas Pynchon]

November 2, 2011


Username: Tommy Pynch

Sex: Male

Hometown: Freight train, USA

Age: 74

Relationship status: Single [pretty much]

Occupation: Word magician

Height: 178cm

Weight: 75kg

Body Type: Novelist

Do you drink? Sometimes

Do you smoke? Like a furnace.

Favourite film: Something slow and Russian. ‘Stalker’, perhaps, by Tarkovsky.

Favourite Music: Old stuff.

Favourite Book: V, anything by Rushdie.

Favourite phrase: ‘Jesus is random, fuck.’ [Heidegger], ‘Have a shit, find a weapon.’ [Derrida], ‘Double Bullshit’ [Zizek] ‘Me have a wooden…face’ [Plato]


Ideal Partner

Gender: Female

Age: 18-30

Ethnicity: Asian, Filipino, Eskimo

Relationship status: Single

About yourself

Let’s get this straight right from the start. I’m no one special. But I’m not ordinary either. I could pen pages in a penthouse, I could roam rifle-less in the sewers. Wait, too poetic? I forgot, this isn’t writing. Not that I’m a writer, you understand.

Let’s start again. I’m looking to turn this whole thing upside down. This is and isn’t dating. Half of me is looking for a fuck, the other half is already deleting this profile. But most of the time, I just want to meet someone I can talk to. Someone who will question me. But not an inquisitor. Nor an agitant. Nor Ang Lee, ha! Someone who has the ability to surprise me [and I’m a hard man to surprise].

I’m running out of words. Not me, the system we’re in. Hell, I could write until the Big Crunch and beyond. Drifting into that little singularity, just out of reach of nothingness, waiting for the whole thing to lose its rag again. Too wordy? I don’t know, you decide.

Okay, simple now. I’m not anybody famous [or am I?]. I have enough money. I speak two and a half languages. I know people on four continents. I’m divorced. No, that’s a lie. I’m almost divorced. The papers are in her hands. Never mind. The point is, I’m available, so message me. Let’s see if we’ve got anything to say to each other.

Looking for [Description]

Woah, what can I say here? Let’s see. A woman with her own mind. Someone good-looking, but not overly proud of herself. No feminists, please.

I’m looking for someone who doesn’t care about financial or emotional stability in a man. I have both, but the concept is important, very important to me.

A woman who understands what Marilyn Monroe was doing with a man like Arthur Miller.

Someone who understands the theory of relativity and not just the pop culture references to it. Physics isn’t crucial to a relationship, but you really should know that light travels fastest in a vacuum.

I’m not interested in someone who’s fucking other men. I’m a jealous God, and I expect fidelity. And in all honesty, you have no idea of who you’d be giving up by doing such a thing.

Someone down to earth. Non-aggressive. Compliant.

A woman who will challenge me.


Are you willing to re-locate? Oh yes. I can travel anywhere.

Do you have children? None worth describing.

Would you like more? No.

Describe your personality: Slow-burn. Vibrant. Troubled. Hyper-positive.

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