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Biography of Jackie Chan Kong Sang [1872 – 2628]

November 7, 2011

       

[Most of this was pulled from wikipedia and Jackie Chan fan sites…accuracy of some entries is questionable]

Jackie Chan was born in 1872 in Kowloon, Hong Kong. His family did not have much money, so Jackie spent most of his childhood begging on the streets.

When he was eight years old, his father sent him to a kung-fu school so he could learn how to beat people up in a pretty way. Jackie had such a good time at the kung-fu school that he remained there for the next seventy years.

Jackie never had time to go to University. In fact, the kung-fu masters told him it was pointless to go there as tuition fees were so high and all the poor students were tagged and put in the stupid corner, and besides, he didn’t need education, not when he could earn a living from kicking people in tournaments.

Jackie entered many tournaments in the 1950’s and 60’s, but often came second. Another fighter called Bruce Lee always beat him in the final, and then beat him up in the car park too.

In 1972, he joined the 14K Triad group. It was a violent time, the early 70’s, and it’s unknown how deep Jackie got sucked in. Probably not that deep, but who knows?

In 1973 he accidentally walked onto the set of the Bruce Lee movie ‘Enter the Dragon’ and saw many men with their shirts off trying to attack Bruce Lee [also with his shirt off]. He remembered how much he despised Bruce Lee for winning all those tournaments and driving cars over his feet, so he took off his shirt and tried to attack him too. However, Bruce was too fast for him, and broke two of his ribs with one punch.

After the success of ‘Enter the Dragon’ Jackie asked his 14K Big Brother if he could go to the Golden Harvest movie studio and become an actor. Big Brother said yes, as long as Jackie gave 14K some of his earnings.

When Bruce Lee died, the position of number one kung fu movie star in Hong Kong was up for grabs. Jackie, determined to be that star, visited a crone in Wan Chai and asked her to hit her shoes on the ground to bestow him with good fortune. She did, he thanked her, gave her cash, and then slipped inside the nearest prostitute.

The crone’s magic did and did not work. Jackie starred in a couple of kung-fu movies, but the choreography was terrible and the movies were not very popular.

By 1975, Jackie was depressed and an alcoholic. One night he wrote a script called ‘Drunken Master’ and then crept into the movie studio soon after, borrowing cameras and extras to make his ‘joke movie.’ Somehow, it worked. ‘Drunken Master’ became the defining kung-fu film of the decade and inspired many copycats, half of them made by Jackie himself.

In the 1980’s Jackie made a thousand and two movies, most of them very similar to ‘Drunken Master.’ Some were good, others were awful. The problem, as with most HK films, was the lack of script and the insane schedule of three months from pre-production to finished product.

In 1992, an apocryphal tale was born. Jackie was on set one day when a fan ran up to him and punched him in the face. When Jackie said, ‘why did you do that?’ the fan replied, ‘I thought you’d block it.’ This never happened. But a similar tale did. One day Jackie ran on set, drunk like Ollie Reed, and punched an extra in the face. When the extra said, ‘ Why did you do that?’ Jackie replied, ‘Because I knew you’d take it, baby.’

In 1993, Jackie locked himself in his mansion and waited for 1994.

In 1994, Jackie made a movie in the US. He was forced to speak in English while punching and kicking ethnic minorities, and the result was not good. However, no one seemed to mind too much, as he was so creative. He used ladders and chairs and pool tables and buses and various other objects to make the fight scenes more interesting, despite the plot being a piece of shit.

He made many more average movies in the US, and gained a reputation as a friendly, likable star. This was very different from his reputation in Hong Kong, where he was seen as a lothario and an apologist for the Chinese Government.

In 2007, he successfully denied responsibility for his eleventh illegitimate child. This was a new record in Hong Kong. Meanwhile, back in the US, most people thought he’d never even had sex. They say the truth in most things lies somewhere in between, but in this case, he really was putting it about a bit

In 2010, he told people in Hong Kong to stop criticising the Chinese Government. This didn’t go down too well, and Jackie’s reputation hit rock bottom.

In 2012, Jackie retired from movie-making. He said he would still appear in the occasional propaganda piece, but his fighting days were over.

In 2017, Jackie got fat. So fat he had to ride elevators alone.

By the end of the 21st Century, Jackie had returned to the movie industry. He was mostly bionic by then, but so was everyone else. In fact, the 1960’s generation had refused to die en masse, and the progress of bionic engineering was mostly down to their desperation and fear of what would come next.

In 2124, Jackie’s brain broke down.

The following year, his body starred in ‘Police Story’, the first movie in Hong Kong ever to use a policeman as the main character. Some people argued that, before records had been deleted in 2094, there had been seventeen police story movies, most of them starring Jackie himself, but Jackie’s body denied this, insisting that ‘had such films existed, I would remember them.’

In the 2130’s, Jackie starred in the popular ‘Drunken Master’ movies. He was awarded the ‘Innovator of the year’ prize in 2132 for taking kung-fu movies in a fresh direction.

In 2156, Jackie told friends that he would never die.

2159 was a slow year.

In 2166, Jackie was sent to raise the morale of the troops in the Saturn Conflicts. While performing stunts on stage, one of the Saturnite colonists tried to assassinate him, shooting him with a laser pen. The attempt failed, primarily because Jackie’s body wasn’t really human anymore; the laser cut through where his heart used to be, hitting some minor auxiliary circuits instead. Jackie laughed off the whole thing, calling it a ‘simple confusion.’

At the end of the Saturn Conflicts in 2175, Jackie went to live on the moon of Saturn that no one could remember the name of. At first, he imported women from Earth to keep him company, but they soon got bored of him as all he ever talked about were ‘the better days’.

In 2199, scientists, funded by Jackie, discovered a way to accelerate time and then slow it down again.

The 23rd Century was over in a second.

By 2324, time had returned to normal. The scientists were executed, Jackie lived on.

After the Earth was destroyed in 2379, Jackie cut himself off from the survivors and stayed on his moon. No one really tried to convince him otherwise.

For two hundred and forty-seven years, Jackie sat in the same chair, watching his old movies over and over until finally his body stopped working, the movies ended, and the TV screen went blank.

In 2626, descendants of the human survivors, who had journeyed away into Deep Space after the Earth was destroyed, returned to find Jackie’s body in the same chair it’d broken down in. They revived it so it could smile and wave and then turned it into a tourist attraction.

In 2628, Jackie briefly came back to life, shocking the couple having sex on the floor in front of him. He tried to join in, but couldn’t move his legs, so he just sat there and watched the whole thing carry on without him. When the couple had finished, Jackie smiled one last time then turned into a ball of green energy and rose up into the sky. Or through the ceiling at least.

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