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DEATH IN POLITICS: The life of Kim Jong Il [In Pictures]

December 21, 2011


We don’t really do politics here, but Cancer Putin seemed lonely so…

[Extracts taken from various media excluding North Korean]

On December 19th, 2011, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died alone on a train, just like Tom Cruise in ‘Collateral’.

Kim Jong Il was revered at home by a propaganda machine that turned him into a demigod. In the West, he was vilified and caricatured as a temperamental tyrant with platform shoes, bouffant hair and a nuclear arsenal. In reality, he was a temperamental tyrant with platform shoes, bouffant hair and a nuclear arsenal.

Kim Jong Il was on the world stage longer than most leaders, but little was known about the man outside of the official propaganda.

A South Korean film director [but not a very good one] claimed Kim kidnapped him and his movie-star wife in the late 1970s, spiriting them back to North Korea to make movies for him for a decade before they managed to escape from North Korean agents during a trip to Austria.

In 1995, Kim travelled secretly on his luxury train to Hawaii to see the spot where Captain James Cook met his violent end. Rumours of the visit say Kim was so entranced by the legend of Cook that he ‘put on an 18th Century naval uniform and ordered one of his guards to dress like a native and attack him’ on the same beach where Cook was murdered. Needless to say, things turned out a lot better for Cook this time around, and a lot more fatal for the native [stabbed, gutted, thrown in sea].

In 1983, analysts say Kim ordered a bombing in Myanmar that killed 17 senior South Korean officials.

In 1987, he went one better and ordered the destruction of a Korean Air Jet that killed 115.

One night in October 2006, Kim wandered drunk through his huge, opulent palace and into a dark room, where he stared at himself in the mirror for an hour, muttering encouragement, then sat on a big red button and fell asleep.

In May 2009, Kim realised what he’d done in October 2006 and exploded another nuclear bomb to make it look like a pattern of aggression.

Legend has it, the first time Kim played Crazy Golf, he nailed eleven holes-in-one.

During the mid-90s, it’s estimated that one million North Koreans starved to death, with other estimates putting the figure closer to the three million mark.

The second time Kim played Crazy Golf, he got stuck on hole four, threw his club at a guard and sat inside the mini-windmill until everyone had agreed to leave.

In 1998, a small and peaceful dissident movement formed in rural areas near the capital, with their leaders demanding measures to prevent further starvation down the road. Kim had the leaders arrested, tortured and eventually killed, but not before each one of them was forced to watch the execution of their families.

Later that year, Kim opened a new school.

Tensions mounted to almost apocalyptic levels in 2005 when the media decided that tensions should mount to almost apocalyptic levels.

In 2008, Kim closed the ‘new school’ from 1998 and then reopened it a week later, making the claim that the quality of education in the country was on the up.

Two weeks later, Kim closed the school again and turned it into a military base. The children stayed where they were.

In 1942, another mad fuck was born.

What’s the point? Everything, the whole thing, the world and all its political…all its politics are out of our hands and the only hands theyre in are sociopathic hands and bullying hands and murdering hands and Dave Cameron’s hands and because of him, because of that smug fuck I can’t go to Europe now because everyone there hates English people and I can’t go back to London because Dave Cameron’s there and confident people are there and people who know what they’re doing with their lives and…and now I can’t even go to Slovenia because they hate English people too…we’re so protective of ourselves, so selfish now that we don’t want to help anyone who’s in the shit and all of them…most of them, I don’t know, ninety two, ninety three percent of all those world leaders are fucking sharks…

One Comment leave one →
  1. December 21, 2011 6:21 pm

    Hairstyles trump genocide every time. cf: Hitler, Jedward

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