Film Summary: THE AVENGERS [Spoilers!]
Starring: Thor [Paul Walker], Captain America [Chris Klein], Iron Man [Vince Vaughn], Hulk [Orlando Bloom], Guy with a bow and arrow [Neil Patrick Harris]
Directed by: Max Maxi [F.K.A – Richard Donner]
It starts with Captain America punching a bag alone in a gym that hasn’t been cleaned since the 50’s. He seems really down so when the janitor comes in and tells him it’s time to close up, Cap puts some boxing gloves on the old man and starts punching him instead. Later, in hospital, Captain America is visited by Nick Fury and Iron Man. They goad him for getting beaten up by an old man, but Cap responds by telling them he actually slipped and fell on his head, and the old man is in a coma from one punch. Iron Man shrugs and says there’s a guy with a big forehead called Loki coming to Earth to be King or President or something, and the only way to beat him and his army is for five superheroes to join together and get in Loki’s face until he agrees to stop fucking with them. Cap agrees. Iron Man leaves the room and chases a nurse into a closet. The Hulk and Thor join up too – the Hulk is tracked down to a jungle shack in Brazil, while Thor is tracked down to a local KFC, waiting for someone to offer him a new movie.
Loki arrives with his army and begins shitting on countries that can’t defend themselves – actually, these countries have their own superheroes, but they’re not cleared to feature in an American movie so they’re sent to a ‘waiting area’ until the world’s either been saved or destroyed. Captain America goes to Germany and stands up to Loki and then catches him and takes him aboard Nick Fury’s airship. They fly around for a while, chatting in different rooms, looking at screens, old photos, killing time.
Loki chats to all the main superheroes and makes them turn against each other. Finally, they all start fighting on the airship and Loki quietly slips out of the back door and re-joins his army, who were killing just fine without him. When the Avengers stop fighting each other, they realise Loki has…
The screen fades to black…
Fade back in…
Turns out everything that just happened was a dream.
Nick Fury is in hospital, looking at Captain America with bandages on his wrists. A nurse comes up to Fury and tells him this is the seventh time Cap has tried to kill himself and it’s got to stop. Fury takes an eyeball sweet out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth, chews. ‘Yeah,’ he says, but the nurse has already gone.
We switch to an apartment somewhere rough, maybe South London. Thor is lying on a couch in his pants, eating pizza rolls, watching daytime TV. Natalie Portman comes home and starts shouting at him. Get up, get a job, do something for fuck’s sake. Thor shouts back, saying he’s busy, there are no jobs, he’s a deity, why should he do anything? Portman tells him it can’t go on like this. Thor says fine, gets up off the couch, grabs his hammer and starts wrecking the apartment. Anthony Hopkins appears in a flash of light and says, what the fuck, son? Thor lunges at him and they both crash through the window, Hopkins breaking Thor’s fall as they land on the sidewalk below. Shit, says Thor, rolling off Hopkins. I better get out of here. He runs into the nearest train station and lies on the top of a train roof. I’ll stay here for a few years, he thinks, until things die down and Portman appreciates me again.
Meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson breaks into a huge mansion by the ocean and finds Iron Man slumped on the living room floor, dead. By his side, a few dozen bottles of gin, a photo of himself and a few pills that didn’t quite make it to his mouth.
Fury walks into the morgue and shakes his head. Shit, man, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Loki appears behind him wearing a suit. He tells him the world is safe, he can’t be bothered invading it anymore. Fury asks why. ‘Hair’, says Loki, and walks back out. A few seconds later, Loki walks back in and asks Fury what happened to his eye. Fury shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, they won’t tell me.’
Fury sits in his apartment, remembering the good times. There’s a phone-call. ‘What is it?’ asks Fury. ‘Hey boss, it’s me. The guy with the bow and arrow.’ Fury asks what he wants and the guy with the bow and arrow says his rent is due and he’s still waiting on all that money owed to him and arrows are pretty expensive these days. ‘How much?’ asks Fury. He listens to the answer then hangs up. As soon as the phone is down it’s ringing again. This time it’s serious. Putin has sent tanks into Poland and there’s no one that can stop him because he’s made of metal now. Fury has an idea. ‘Leave it to me, guys.’
Vince Vaughn is talking very fast in his apartment. No one else is there. There’s a knock at the door. It’s Nick Fury. Vaughn invites him in. ‘What?’ asks Fury, not catching any of it. ‘I said, come in, man. Get the fuck in here you one-eyed little dog.’ Fury walks in and tells him about Putin. He asks Vaughn if he still has the spare suit. ‘You mean the Iron man thing?’ Fury nods. ‘Sure man, all I needed was the call, the bat signal, the voice from the sky, Ione Skye, tits akimbo, know what I mean, man?’ Fury breathes out deep. ‘Just get the suit, Vince.’
Vince Vaughn flies towards Poland as Iron Man. People below look up in awe as they see him fly past. Vince waves at them then flies on. Twenty minutes later there’s a tank. He adjusts himself and speeds down towards it. The tank fires. Vince forgets where the button to move left is and gets hit square in the chest. He falls onto Polish ground and finally stops talking.
The tank continues on its way. Putin takes over Poland and then the world. Fury loses his apartment.
In the post-credits scene, Thor gets down off the train and looks around. He walks forward and falls over, forgetting how to use his legs. Loki sees him and comes over to pick him up. They go for a coffee and talk about the ideal length of a post-credits scene. Thor argues for ten seconds, Loki hits back with ‘as long as it takes to sell hair.’ ‘What’s that?’ says Thor. ‘Hair, brother. Would you like to sell hair?’
We fade black pinned to Thor’s dilemma.