AKB48’s Minami Minegishi Shaves Head in preparation for assault on Ichigaya Military Base
9:15 – Minegishi arrives at fortified west gate in small pink Toyota. Armed guard double takes. ‘Ah…Ms. Minegishi. I didn’t recognize you.” Minegishi hands him small pink, gem encrusted cell phone. He watches her YouTube confessional of doin’ it with a dude.
9:20 – She passes through the main gate. Passenger is Chibi-Minegishi, her 12 year old pop star clone. She is below window view of the guard. Guard is one of those dumb guards. These are the kind you usually hear about.
9:21 – Main Minegishi experiences a flashback to training with her sub-unit of AKB48. After doing some dancing with a lot of bum wriggling in the snows of Mount Fuji they huddle around a truck full of fat guys found in Akihabara. One by one the fat guys come out. They love their pop idols so much that they no longer understand what death is. A pop idol mounts them, pokes two fingers deep in eye sockets, curls fingers, anchors big plastic rings in the sockets, plants 10 pound platform boot on dude’s sternum, pulls back with full strength until the frontal skull face mask detaches from the rest of the skull with coca cola pop. All 248 pop idols repeat this procedure. Only one fails. The others do nasty stuff to her.
9:45 – The two Minegishi ascend the marble staircase. At the top there is a less dumb or more perverted guard. He frisks the two. He tries to pull down their socks but they are glued. When he is about to complain, Minegishi rubs her head over her hand and cries and he is abashed and lets them in.
9:46 – The general greets them with a small glass of whiskey each. “This meeting is most unexpected. I have no idea what to do with you both. I need more time. I am a General. I make plans.”
9:48 – The general notices the shaven head and that Chibi Clone is barricading the door.
9:49 – Greatest hits medley to death
10:00 – Double Idol Suicide. Perfect and simultaneous in a way samurais couldn’t do it but little dancing girls can’t not do it.
10:15 – China invades ambiguous islands. AKB48 compound explodes. Martial law declared. General’s pants awkwardly hitched back over his death rod.