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Doctor Zhivago [end credits]

February 7, 2013


…he was walking through a forest that looked something like the forest of illusion in one of the mario games [from the near future] and he was walking alongside Mark Ruffalo and trying to talk to him, but Ruffalo wouldn’t talk back and every time Zhivago tried to grab his sleeve, Ruffalo shrugged him off and said, man, I don’t speak Russian.

…so Zhivago looked around the forest and saw Alec Guinness waving some kind of blue torch, screaming ‘where are your fucking papers, spy?’ and a bear hitting metal with a hammer, not saying anything, and other things related to other things that seemed to be important, but it doesn’t matter, thought Zhivago, not really because he was bored of the forest and its dying leaves and its Alec Guinness so he turned back to Ruffalo to ask about forests in the Ukraine but Ruffalo was ahead of him by a few trees and…

…and Zhivago walked faster and caught up and asked his Ukraine question and Ruffalo ignored him and then the whole thing happened again about seventeen times until finally they came to a beach and Ruffalo got into a kart and disappeared from view, and Zhivago didn’t know what to do, so he just stood there for a while, and he didn’t know how long he stood there but the sky went dark and then light and then dark a couple of times so it must’ve been as long as it took for that to happen, and then when it became light again he looked down the beach and saw

…Julie Christie…no, David Spade…David Spade carrying a Kart on his back and when he got closer he could see Spade was wearing a kimono and had his eyes pulled out to look Chinese or Japanese, just like Connery in that Bond film last year, Zhivago thought, and then he said it out loud, and Spade said back to him, sure, just like that Bond film, and then put the kart down and told Zhivago to get in so he could chase after Ruffalo, who ‘doesn’t really respect you as much as he should’, and Zhivago said, yeah, I got that feeling too, and jumped into the Kart and started driving, and he went faster and faster and sand flicked up into his eyes, but it didn’t matter because now he was wearing goggles, and Spade was somehow hovering next to him, moving at the exact same speed, telling him over and over that Ruffalo didn’t respect him enough, and Zhivago said,

…I know, I know, and then Spade vanished and up ahead was a heart attack-shaped cave dug into the cliff and in that cave was Ruffalo, in his own kart, driving in little circles and not getting any further out of the cave, and Zhivago smirked and drove to the bottom of the cave and stopped his kart and called up to Ruffalo, ‘Hey Ruffalo, you’re stuck in a cave’, and Ruffalo didn’t look down or show any sign he’d heard anything, and Zhivago was forced to shout it again, and again, and again, until it was dark and it started to get cold and a voice that seemed to come from the cliff in front of him said, ‘why don’t you do something with all this?’ and Zhivago said, that’s an idea, but what? It’s the nineteenth century, she doesn’t love me anymore and the voice said…

‘Julie…Julie fucking Christie.’

…and Zhivago sighed and rubbed his eyes and stared at the sand and cried and all the other shit he  [ping-zee] did when he was fucking miserable, but it was too obvious, too forced, like he was stuck in a parody with Val Kilmer and ugly people from British sitcoms, so he shook his head and stared at the sea and the distance and chessboards and remembered the ice palace and fur hats and Julie’s cunt and everything else that went with it and when he looked up at the heart attack-shaped cave Ruffalo was gone and when he looked down at his feet they were gone too, and when he looked at other parts of his body, they were gone, all of it was gone and he realised he wasn’t a man anymore he was an essence of something, perhaps something miserable, and the only thing he could see was the beach and the only thing he could hear was Steve Martin saying

…I couldn’t fuck a gorilla.

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