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Tomomi Leung at Sundance [six months late]

July 16, 2013

Oli, don’t know if I can do this anymore. Auditions have been going badly…feels kinda like the whole industry’s turned against me even though I know that’s loopy, they don’t even know my name…not unless they really like scanning background scenes or hanging out at 56a nuke on Sunset…
Nah, dude, fuck it…fuck them…

So, yeah, I’m in Mexico right now, but not solo. You know that guy who played the Persian King in 300? Think he was in that last Arnie movie too…anyway, I’m holed up with him. Dude, I know, he’s not got the best English in the world but he’s kinda disarming when you spend more than a few minutes with him, even if every second sentence is in Portuguese. We’re in a little shack by the beach somewhere down that long finger part of Mexico, and I’m probably gonna be here a while. He’s writing a screenplay, I’m reading books and it’s kinda working out okay.

I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but the thing he’s writing it’s really good…don’t know if this premise has been done before, it’s like, all these kids being stalked and killed one by one by this crazy Argentinian robot…I think it’s got a political layer or something underneath, but that’s kinda irrelevant cos the core story’s so fucking funny…little kids getting slaughtered, who’s done that before? And the best part is, it’s set in Brazil, where he’s from…and he’s grafting a pretty big part into it just for me…yup, you heard right, dude, I could be hitting Brasilian movie land…and finally getting out of this lake of shit I’ve been paddling the last ten years or so…pretty decent, ne?

Anyway, he’s still working on it so I shouldn’t crow too soon…it might all fall apart…or he might find some Mexican whore more interesting than me and write something for her instead…life is a fickle business, I’ve learnt that the Vincent Gallo way…

Oh, and don’t ask about Gallo…seriously, that guy’s fucked up my life enough, I don’t need to bring that shit back up again…I’m not lying, dude, I don’t even watch his films anymore…not that he’s making any…guess people have learnt the same lessons I have…don’t give the fucker an inch cos he’ll take it and say it was his fucking inch to start with…

I’m doing it again…fuck, sorry, dude…what was I saying…writing…

Right, you need something for your zine thing. Okay. You know, it’s kinda fucked up actually…all this time you told me it was a magazine, not a zine…don’t know why you lied about it, dude, I’ve never had a problem slumming it before…it’s kinda cool that some guy in Bucharest or something might be reading my shit.

Okay, eye of the storm, I know. Here’s a list of auditions I had the last few months. Yeah, I know I promised Sundance, but I wasn’t there, dude…I could make some random shit up, but where’s the integrity, right?

1] Iron Man 3

This was actually last April or something…the bad guy’s called Mandarin, so they were looking for Chinese-looking actresses who could sit next to him and imply they’ve just sucked him off or something. I guess I have a reputation for that kind of shit, so I went along and sat outside the audition place with a load of Malaysian girls.

Then they cast Ben Kingsley.

Seriously, dude, do they know what Mandarin means? It’s Chinese, right? Yeah, I know, I’m only half, but still…

Anyway, I didn’t get the part. Last I heard, the two main girls [I was going for either…] they went with were Romanian or something…kinda weird, ne? Maybe it’s all upside down and Romanian roles get filled by Chinese girls…? Or maybe they just don’t give a fuck…

2] Seven Psychopaths

I actually got this one but my bit was cut. Have you seen it? It’s kinda shit, really…just like Tarantino, nice words, but zero empathy for anything on two legs…I was in the party scene, or I was supposed to be…only Colin Farrell couldn’t say his fucking line right…and I’m standing right behind him when he says it, so my face should be there, expression and everything, but then Farrell says the angle’s all wrong, that’s why he can’t say the line, so the director moves the camera to the other side of the room and…yeah, I’m not there anymore. I mean, I expect this shit from H-land, but not the independents…and I know I’ve got history with the guy so maybe I’m biased, but I blame Farrell ninety nine per cent…what’s he even doing there? Indies should be for me and the other eth-mins, not some fucking Irish drunk who lucked his way into the big leagues…you know, now I think about it, Farrell’s probably worse than Gallo…at least Vince tried to talk to me…Farrell just calls you ‘baby’ and sticks his hand up your muff…

What else?

Dude, it’s all leaving my mind to be honest…I think it’s the Mexican sun…or being so far away from H-land or something…actually, there’s sun in LA too, but that one’s like a spotlight, whereas this one kinda feels equal, you know? Like it’s there for natural reasons, normal people, farms, shit like that…not to put some fucking ugly tan on fat jewish guys getting wanked off in their pools…

Dude, is that racist? I don’t know…everyone likes Palestinians more nowadays, don’t they? I do…poor little fuckers…all they want is their own bit of land, but Fox Searchlight and Warner Bros won’t let it happen…

Fuck politics, I’m gonna just stick with nature…

Dude, I’ve just remembered another one…I’m still waiting for word back on this one, but it’s gone, I know it has…no-one wants to cast a half Japanese, half Chinese girl as a main fuck interest, not when Anne ‘I hate the Japanese’ Hathaway rules the roost…remember I told you that thing she said at the Oscars that time? ‘Can’t let a nip win it’…seriously, those exact words…you printed that, right?

Okay, here’s the one that’s hopeless…

3] Entourage [The Movie]

Yeah, so they’ve been casting this one for like the last five months or so…I guess it’s extensive cos that main guy fucked about two women per episode when it was on TV…and as it’s a movie now, they’ve gotta step it up a bit…but anyway, the call wasn’t just for a pair of tits, it’s bigger than that…like, the character I was going for actually had a name and a history, which was kinda unique…

Oh yeah, Rodrigo was going for a role too…it was the bad guy, I think…some new star who’s taking the main guy’s thunder or something…but he didn’t get it. Stupid reason too…they said he was too similar-looking to the main guy, so no-one would believe he’d be getting roles over whats-his-face…actually, what is his face? Vincent Case?…

Anyway, that was the reason Rodrigo took me down here…I mean, losing that audition was the thing that pushed him into doing his own screenplay…and I came along cos…well, yeah, I failed the audition…but really, I’m kinda proud I did, it was really fucked up what they were asking me to do…I probably shouldn’t leak this, I’m pretty sure I signed some paper that said they’d have my tits cut off if I said anything, but…that only applies in the US, right? Now I’m in Mexico, it’s okay…

…so, yeah, I walk into the room, and this other girl walks out wiping her mouth…and straight away I know what’s coming. I mean, I’ve been in this industry a few years now…and by ‘in’ I mean I’ve been on the edges where all the dirty shit happens…so I sit down next to Vincent Case and the director says, okay, lady, what we want you to do is suck him off. Seriously, dude, just like that, in an audition…and I kinda sat there like a dummy for a few seconds and the director repeated the line, and I look over at Vincent Case and he’s looking back at me…well, not at me, at my tits…and I ask him, like, seriously, you’re on board with this? And he doesn’t say anything, he just points to his cock, like I’m a fucking sex-slave…so, yeah, I got up and said, no fucking way, in an audition, fuck off, and just walked out of there and into the nearest bar, which is where I met Rodrigo…

Okay, dude, I think that’s about all I’ve got…like I said, this is probably the last one I’ll be doing for a while…I’m still kinda annoyed that you forgot who I was last issue and went with that French guy instead…but, whatever, it happened, it’s done with now.

So, good luck with your zine thing, and I’ll take your ‘good luck’ in advance for this screenplay Rodrigo’s writing and my attack on the Brasilian movie industry…can’t be any more fucked up than LA, right?

Mata ne…

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