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Quantum Hitler

November 14, 2013


In 2247, a secret science experiment conducted in the desert near Almeria, Spain created a quantum rip in the space quantum continuum and the Hitler from an alternative 1923 found himself face to face with the Hitler from the 1923 we know of.

Despite identical faces and the vortex above their heads, they did not shoot each other.

‘Are we the same?’ Quantum Hitler asked, dusting off his jacket.

‘I don’t know.’

‘What year is it?’



‘May 28th.’

‘Ah, six months behind…’


‘Nothing. What are you doing?’

‘Planning a putsch.’

‘A putsch? But I just stopped…’

‘It’ll be glorious.’


Quantum Hitler moved in with his twin and tried for the next few months to talk him out of the Munich Beer Hall Putsch.

It was not easy.

Late at night, after their fourth game of Monopoly Deal:

‘Don’t do it, there’s…it’s unnecessary.’

‘It’s not.’

‘You’ll be arrested, you fool.’

‘I’ll be a martyr.’

‘No, not killed, arrested. They’ll put you in prison and everyone will forget about you.’

‘I’ll be a prison martyr.’

‘No…look, this isn’t…it’s not the right thing to do. There are better ways…’

‘I’m doing it.’


‘To save my country.’

‘Huh? From who?’

‘Them. The Jews. Weimar traitors. Anyone who accepted this disgrace.’

‘How is any of this gonna save the country?’

‘Simple. We do the putsch and…the Govt falls, Jews die, things get better, stricter…’

‘Are you sure…’

‘…and Germany gets strong again.’

‘No, that’s…that won’t happen. Or it might happen, but it won’t be good. [Pause] Look, if you do this, it could seriously lead to another…’

‘It’s destiny, brother.’


Our Hitler went through with the Putsch and ended up in prison. Despite his aversion to costumes, Quantum Hitler dressed up as an old woman and visited our Hitler in prison, trying one last time to talk him round.


‘But you’re in prison.’

‘It’s unimportant.’


‘Everything is going to plan. People are talking, the Govt. is weakening…even the Jews are starting to shake.’

‘No, they’re…’

‘One more year and I’ll be out of here.’


‘A prison martyr, a war hero…’

‘No, you can’t…’

‘It’s almost like it was meant to happen this way.’

Quantum Hitler dropped his head and muttered something about ‘intransigence’.*

Later that afternoon, he put on a guard costume, sneaked into his twin’s cell and garrotted him as he sat at his desk writing that piece of shit ‘My K****.’

Quantum Hitler buried our Hitler in the cell and took his place.

But History did not change. The Quantum rip in the space quantum continuum closed back up and Quantum Hitler was dragged back into his own [better] reality. Before he went, he managed to write one word on the pages of ‘My K****’.


Our Hitler came back to life as if nothing had happened and continued with his existence. The word ‘don’t’ vanished into the quantum void of non-actions. Things returned to normal.


* If ‘intransigence’ is the wrong word, sub in ‘implacable’

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