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You can ascertain her age by asking how she refers to clubs in town. Or dated somebody who has. Forget Christian Bale or Alex James both former Bournemouth residents thankyouverymuch the biggest celebrity in town is….

Gordon the Tramp. Yes really.

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Mind-boggling mental. She probably did the Westover circuit when she passed her driving test. Glamorous, right?

Bournemouth Air Festival watching the Red Arrows in summer? German Market in December?

She'll get riled up when you say Bournemouth is for 'stag parties' or 'old people'. The nightlife is greatactually. Call it 'Boringmouth' at your peril Did you know Bournemouth was the first place in the UK to have purpose-built beach huts? Start saving now, yeah?

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She also won't like it when you mention the ill-fated Imax. Neither will her family or friends. Never mention the Imax.

Or Boscombe's Surf Reef actually. Let us never speak of them again.

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